I only have two things to say right now:
1. Fuck you, woodchucks
2. Woodchuck got owned.
So here's my story:
Because I am such a cheap-ass, I prefer to grow my own vegetables, rather than buy them. I take pride in my garden. This year, I'm growing tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, and yellow squash. Not too many things, as I take focus on my tomatoes.
So, one morning, I go outside to check on my garden, and to my dismay, half of my garden has been trampled or eaten. I was pissed.
So, I spent the day replanting, fixing, and put a nice fence around it.
I go to bed.
Next morning, I check on my garden.
Now the other half of my garden was destroyed.
Alright. So I'm fuming now. I didn't know what in the hell was eating my garden. So I went out, bought some veggies, and just laid them in the middle of my garden.
And then I staked out the whole night. I sat by my window, overlooking the garden, with a giant flashlight and binoculars. I was going to find out what in the dear name of fuck was eating my garden.
Around 2AM, I saw something. Something big. I look through the binoculars and turned on the light.
It's a fucking woodchuck. And a pretty big one too.
WELL NO WONDER IT'S SO FUCKING HUGE. IT'S BEEN FEASTING ON MY FUCKING GARDEN.
So I thought that's it. Next morning, I bought what's called, a massive "snow fence." It's a massive, tough plastic orange fence that's usually put on the sides of snow banks and whatnot. It's pretty tall and thick, and I knew there was no way it would get past it.
IT DID. IT GOT PAST THE FUCKING FENCE. It chewed a fucking hole right through it.
Then I thought, that's it. Woodchuck's gonna die.
I go out and buy a massive fucking electrical fence. I mean, this thing is beastly. I set it up, started running the electrical current through it, and immediately could start hearing the fence make a buzzing noise. So I thought, "maybe there's too much power going through it?"
So, I take a long blade of grass in my hand, and gently touch one of the wires of the fence.
As soon as the blade of grass hit, there was a massive explosion, sparks everywhere, and I was thrown backwards, and landed on my back. Once I came to, I thought, "I think that's enough power."
So, another night, another stake-out. Of course, I'm holding the binoculars in my left hand, because my right hand was still dead and tingling from the electric shock earlier.
I saw the woodchuck. The woodchuck goes up to the fence. I can see him, he looked a little confused. Twitching his nose, he gets ready, and tries to jump over the fence.
He didn't make the jump. He hit the fence.
As he hit the fence, there was a massive "BZZZZT" then a massive explosion.
THE FUCKING WOODCHUCK EXPLODED. There was blood, fur, and woodchuck guts all over the place. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING MY FUCKING VEGETABLES, ASSHOLE. YOU JUST EXPLODED.
WOODCHUCK GOT OWNED.
I win.
/Story
1. Fuck you, woodchucks
2. Woodchuck got owned.
So here's my story:
Because I am such a cheap-ass, I prefer to grow my own vegetables, rather than buy them. I take pride in my garden. This year, I'm growing tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, and yellow squash. Not too many things, as I take focus on my tomatoes.
So, one morning, I go outside to check on my garden, and to my dismay, half of my garden has been trampled or eaten. I was pissed.
So, I spent the day replanting, fixing, and put a nice fence around it.
I go to bed.
Next morning, I check on my garden.
Now the other half of my garden was destroyed.
Alright. So I'm fuming now. I didn't know what in the hell was eating my garden. So I went out, bought some veggies, and just laid them in the middle of my garden.
And then I staked out the whole night. I sat by my window, overlooking the garden, with a giant flashlight and binoculars. I was going to find out what in the dear name of fuck was eating my garden.
Around 2AM, I saw something. Something big. I look through the binoculars and turned on the light.
It's a fucking woodchuck. And a pretty big one too.
WELL NO WONDER IT'S SO FUCKING HUGE. IT'S BEEN FEASTING ON MY FUCKING GARDEN.
So I thought that's it. Next morning, I bought what's called, a massive "snow fence." It's a massive, tough plastic orange fence that's usually put on the sides of snow banks and whatnot. It's pretty tall and thick, and I knew there was no way it would get past it.
IT DID. IT GOT PAST THE FUCKING FENCE. It chewed a fucking hole right through it.
Then I thought, that's it. Woodchuck's gonna die.
I go out and buy a massive fucking electrical fence. I mean, this thing is beastly. I set it up, started running the electrical current through it, and immediately could start hearing the fence make a buzzing noise. So I thought, "maybe there's too much power going through it?"
So, I take a long blade of grass in my hand, and gently touch one of the wires of the fence.
As soon as the blade of grass hit, there was a massive explosion, sparks everywhere, and I was thrown backwards, and landed on my back. Once I came to, I thought, "I think that's enough power."
So, another night, another stake-out. Of course, I'm holding the binoculars in my left hand, because my right hand was still dead and tingling from the electric shock earlier.
I saw the woodchuck. The woodchuck goes up to the fence. I can see him, he looked a little confused. Twitching his nose, he gets ready, and tries to jump over the fence.
He didn't make the jump. He hit the fence.
As he hit the fence, there was a massive "BZZZZT" then a massive explosion.
THE FUCKING WOODCHUCK EXPLODED. There was blood, fur, and woodchuck guts all over the place. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING MY FUCKING VEGETABLES, ASSHOLE. YOU JUST EXPLODED.
WOODCHUCK GOT OWNED.
I win.
/Story
