Pages: 1

 

2008-10-28 09:38:55
Lieutenant_Jensen
Your cops are corrupt.
+200|6841|fåking denmark
So I wrote this today, don't quite know what to classify it as.
Please give critic, etc.


The Last Flower, Ever in Time.

I saw a flower. It reminded me of the last day on earth. The Joy. The broken heart. On the arrow towards death and loneliness. Young lovers, with scars from what they have been. The sadness, flows into the town. Everybody was affected, everybody heard the shattering scream. The noise that suddenly came, suddenly left.
There was blood, the little city became silent. On the fields at the edge of town, the silence was broken. New screams sounded, more shattering then the first. Everybody started suffocating. Their mouths and lungs got filled with dust and grass. Buildings started to crumble together, planes fell from the sky. Trees started to fall over, everything that grows from the earth, started to fade away.
Chaos!
Screams, noise from everything dying filled the ears of anybody remaining.
Soon after, silence. Not complete silence, it was like there was a bitter sounds of a piano playing.
It was playing the same melody over and over again. Everything had died as we approached. The piano played all by itself.
A little colourful flower stood by its side. We stood and looked.
Suddenly, the piano crumbled together.
Now, only the flower stood left.
Everything was killed, only the flower could ever live. We picked up the flower, not knowing what would happen. The wind started to blow. All the dust that was left, blew into the sky, making it almost impossible to breath. We picked up the gas masks that suddenly appeared before our feet. We took them to our faces, and putted them on.
Then, we fainted.
2008-10-28 09:42:21
1927
The oldest chav in the world
+2,423|7123|Cardiff, Capital of Wales
I got as far as Chaos and stopped.

Bit depressive for me and it didnt rhyme (that bits a joke) I am being serious about the negativeness to it though.

However, I appriciate your efforts and thank you whole heartidly for sharing it with us and I for one will be offering Karma and urge others to follow suit.  Good luck if its for school or summat.
2008-10-28 09:42:43
kylef
Gone
+1,352|6943|N. Ireland
In terms of literary technique, it's pretty skilled.
2008-10-28 09:46:29
Lieutenant_Jensen
Your cops are corrupt.
+200|6841|fåking denmark

1927 wrote:

I got as far as Chaos and stopped.

Bit depressive for me and it didnt rhyme (that bits a joke) I am being serious about the negativeness to it though.

However, I appriciate your efforts and thank you whole heartidly for sharing it with us and I for one will be offering Karma and urge others to follow suit.  Good luck if its for school or summat.
It's not for school or anything.
I got bored during English class, started it there, then finished it in Math class.

kylef wrote:

In terms of literary technique, it's pretty skilled.
Thank you.
2008-10-28 09:46:29
FatherTed
xD
+3,936|6950|so randum

kylef wrote:

In terms of literary technique, it's pretty skilled.

Poem thingy wrote:

picked up the gas masks that suddenly appeared before our feet. We took them to our faces, and putted them on.
Then, we fainted.
I like it though.

Last edited by FatherTed (2008-10-28 09:47:05)

Small hourglass island
Always raining and foggy
Use an umbrella
2008-10-28 10:03:10
MorbiD.ShoT
Stormin' through the party
+322|7046
It's a bit jumpy, meaning that it follows the shell of a story that tells as "First we did this, then we did this, then this happened and then..."  I mean it's a decent story, but I feel the structure could have been much better.
2008-10-28 10:58:36
Pug
UR father's brother's nephew's former roommate
+652|6992|Texas - Bigger than France
I'm not too into dark stuff, but this is pretty good.

I'd put in more emotions.  You started with emotion and became clinical afterwards - aka you focused on the environment instead of how it made people feel.

Example:
"Broken heart" to "we simply put on our gas masks and continued on like robots, oh well, what's for dinner...oh right...nothing"
2008-10-28 11:04:46
Lieutenant_Jensen
Your cops are corrupt.
+200|6841|fåking denmark

Pug wrote:

I'm not too into dark stuff, but this is pretty good.

I'd put in more emotions.  You started with emotion and became clinical afterwards - aka you focused on the environment instead of how it made people feel.

Example:
"Broken heart" to "we simply put on our gas masks and continued on like robots, oh well, what's for dinner...oh right...nothing"
Thanks.

I'll try to remember what you said next time I write something.
2008-10-28 11:08:40
Surgeons
U shud proabbly f off u fat prik
+3,097|6939|Gogledd Cymru

I kind of liked it (x3)
2008-10-28 11:14:01
Aries_37
arrivederci frog
+368|7025|London

Lieutenant_Jensen wrote:

and putted them on[/i]
2008-10-28 11:15:15
Lieutenant_Jensen
Your cops are corrupt.
+200|6841|fåking denmark

Aries_37 wrote:

Lieutenant_Jensen wrote:

and putted them on[/i]

ig wrote:

wat
If you're reffering to the "putted", then I know it's a mistake.
2008-10-28 11:15:15
Pug
UR father's brother's nephew's former roommate
+652|6992|Texas - Bigger than France

Lieutenant_Jensen wrote:

Pug wrote:

I'm not too into dark stuff, but this is pretty good.

I'd put in more emotions.  You started with emotion and became clinical afterwards - aka you focused on the environment instead of how it made people feel.

Example:
"Broken heart" to "we simply put on our gas masks and continued on like robots, oh well, what's for dinner...oh right...nothing"
Thanks.

I'll try to remember what you said next time I write something.
It was good - wanted to make sure you didn't think I thought differently.  My style is either to write about the environment only using the images to illicit emotion, or to focus on emotion and avoid the environment.  However, my style is not yours.  That's all I was saying.

You did both well.

To be fair, I'll post something I wrote in this thread when I have time.
2008-10-28 11:41:49
M.O.A.B
'Light 'em up!'
+1,220|6673|Escea

Pretty good, although its not really my type of thing.

Pug wrote:

Lieutenant_Jensen wrote:

Pug wrote:

I'm not too into dark stuff, but this is pretty good.

I'd put in more emotions.  You started with emotion and became clinical afterwards - aka you focused on the environment instead of how it made people feel.

Example:
"Broken heart" to "we simply put on our gas masks and continued on like robots, oh well, what's for dinner...oh right...nothing"
Thanks.

I'll try to remember what you said next time I write something.
It was good - wanted to make sure you didn't think I thought differently.  My style is either to write about the environment only using the images to illicit emotion, or to focus on emotion and avoid the environment.  However, my style is not yours.  That's all I was saying.

You did both well.

To be fair, I'll post something I wrote in this thread when I have time.
I would post up my writings, but posting a small section generally wouldn't make sense without the rest and as its 267 pages, I'll save everyone immense lag and the mega wall of text
2008-10-28 12:26:55
Uzique
dasein.
+2,865|6920

kylef wrote:

In terms of literary technique, it's pretty skilled.
wut

It's an entertaining piece of writing, nice to see some literary creativity Post some more, I'm sure people will read and enjoy.

Last edited by Uzique (2008-10-28 12:28:16)

libertarian benefit collector - anti-academic super-intellectual. http://mixlr.com/the-little-phrase/

 

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