I recently finished working in oil fields in Arkansas as a sand coordinator for a trucking company. While working there I spent a great deal of time around truckers and was told some very intresting/funny stories. What follows are a few of the better stories I was told.
Ohh Dear Lord
I was driving down a stretch of road in California one day and BAM!, it hit me. I had to shit. I had to shit really, really bad, like the kinda shit that if you don't find a toilet real quick you could total your truck on the stench alone. So I pull over at a big rest stop just a couple miles down the road from where the screaming meanies hit me to go do my business. Now, this is a large rest area, not a truck stop or convienent store but just a rest area and I can see as I pull in that there a lot of trucks here already, around 20 or 30 I'd say. At this point I'm just praying that there is an open stall because if not I'm gonna have to go in a 5 gallon bucket in the field behind it. So anyways, i walk into the bathroom, and it's pretty big, and they got about 8 stalls lined up in a row and the place smells like a mongolian grill that just burnt down. I bend over and look for feet and I can see people are occupying all the stalls but the last one, you know the cripple stall. So I run down there and open it up and I can't believe it, it's clean! I go ahead and start wiping the seat off just to be carefull, flush for clean water and place the all important bog roll inside and sit down on the throne to let the kids play in the pool. All is well.
Bout 5 minutes later the guy next to me leaves and a few minutes after that I hear the outside door open up and some boots going "tap tap tap tap tap tap" real fast on the ground. All of the sudden BAM! the stall door next to me slams open and I see these boots run into the stall just tappin up and down real fast like this guy is about to shit or piss all over himself or something. Now, these stalls were a little peculiar because they had a rather high bottom, meaning I could see almost up to this guys knees. He was wearing a pair of cowboy boots that looked rather nice, all embroidered and what have you and he had his blue jeans tucked into the top of his boots. So anyway, the guy walks up to the toilet and stops, stops moving, stops tapping, stops everything. He sits there for a few seconds and then takes a step back. Then another step back. Then another step back, until eventually his ass is nearly touching the stall door. I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "what the fuck is this guy doing" and just then he does a complete about face 180 degree turn. He is now facing the door and is right up against it. The next thing I see is knuckles, the guy had grabbed his pants at the waste and had yanked them to the floor to the point where his knuckles were on the floor and he wasn't letting go. What followed next was a nightmare. The guy starts spraying runny shit across the stall into the bowel, I mean this guy WAS SPRAYING SHIT....ACROSS THE STALL!!!! The guy in the stall on the other side starts screaming "WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK" and the shit sprayer, in a very calm tone, starts saying "Ohh dear Lord, Ohh dear Lord, it's a comin Lord, ohh dear Lord". This guy sprayed shit for a good 20-30 seconds and it's starting to seep under the stalls and it's just liquid death, luckily I was in the handicap stall and I had about a two foot buffer between my toilet and his stall. I'm screaming bloody murder and scooting over trying to avoid it and thats when I saw him yank up his pants, NO WIPING, just yanks his pants up, kicks the door open and runs outta the bathroom.
Now the guy in the other stall is not so lucky. Most of the shit had overflowed into his stall and his feet were saturated in liquid squirt. This guy is screaming a battle cry that woulda made Ghengis Khan shit his drawers. As I'm coming out of my stall I look into the stall of the shit bandit and see that this stall is completly and utterly destroyed. There is shit on the walls, all over the toilet, on the toilet paper, the floor is saturated and.....it was just bad. About that time the other guy comes out covered in shit and he takes off running to the door to try and find this guy screaming he was going to kill him. Well unfortunaly the shit bandit was long gone and I spent the next 30 minutes with my emergency backup bucket helping the guy clean his boots off (which he eventually ended up just throwing away). People start filing out of the bathroom laughing thier asses off and a few even throwing up. The cops showed up about 30 minutes later but the only information anyone could give them was that he was a religious cowboy with irritable bowel syndrome.
I Herd Dat
I was driving westbound on 40 on evening and for about 40 miles I could hear a man on the CB saying "I herd dat" every time someone would say something. People were asking if anyone has seen any big bears on the road (cops), "I herd dat", fella would reply no, "I herd dat", guy would say thanks, "I herd dat", other guy would say no problem, "i herd dat", then they would start bitchin at the guy all the while he's sitting there just repeating "I herd dat, I herd dat, I herd dat." Now you wouldn't think this would be a big deal but listen to that shit for an hour straight everytime someone says something....which is constantly, needeless to say all of the truckers were slightly irritated. Well, a few more miles down the road I was pulling in to the 107 at Morollton to get me some go-go juice and I hear someone on the CB say "WE GOT THE FUCKER!!, He's in a black Kenworth behind the 107 store!!, followed by "I herd dat".
Well seeing as how I'm already pulling into the 107 I decide to have a look and as I pull around the back, sure enough, I see a black Kenworth and about 15 truckers pulling a guy out of the cab and the guy is just laughing his ass off and saying I herd dat, I herd dat. What followed was one of the worst ass wippins I've ever witnessed. They beat this guy so bad that he shit himself....literally..beat the shit out of him. Then the truckers proceeded to rip his truck apart. After they were done they all went inside and had a cup of coffee.
And thats why you don't fuck around on a CB and if you do, you be damn sneaky about it.
Quotes
While standing in line at the cash register, one trucker taps my shoulder and says
"Whats the difference between a pervert and a kinky person? Kinky people use feathers, perverts use the whole chicken"
While sitting on the shitter at a truckstop a trucker comes in the stall next to me and says
"Hey dude, you ever tried thier fried catfish here? It's pretty good" followed by the sound of chunky runs hitting the water.
While eating a truckstop buffet
"Dif shit is so fuffin hard to eap since I loff my teeff", as he bit into a chicken fried steak with no teeth.
On the CB while driving
"If you wanna take a shower, the best in these parts are at the 87 stop, the floors aren't even sticky and the water nozzles won't shock you"
While sitting on the road after one of our trucks ran off in a ditch with a cop
Trucker: Well.....it aint that bad I suppose.
Cop: Yeah it's pretty bad.
Trucker: ahh well hell I know you are young and all...how old are you anyhow?
Cop: 25
Trucker: Boy you haven't seen bad, I mean how bad could you seen in 25 years, this aint bad.
Cop: Sir, your truck is in a bar ditch, you diesel tanks bottomed out on the culvert and your leaking diesel on my road and your trailer is on it's side and there is 50,000 lbs of sand on the road and shoulder. I'd say this is pretty bad.
Trucker: Well you obviously werent with me in '78 when one of the gas tankers in my convoy flipped over and.....(cop cuts him off)
Cop: I don't care, here is your failure to maintain ticket. Goodbye.
Trucker: God, what the hell was his problem.
Upon arriving at an oilsite
Oilfield guy: Hi, you the coordinator?
Me: Yeah, why?
Guy: You need to get truck 3740 off my site now.
Me: Why?
Guy: Because he took a shit in the lease owners driveway.
Me: Well, you guys don't have any portojohns out here, what do you expect?
Guy: Well, they were coming and he didn't wait.
Me: but you guys didn't have them out here already like you should have, besides I don't see what the problem is.
Guy; The problem is that he covered it up with a sock.
Me: you mean he wiped his ass with a sock?
Guy: Yeah, then covered his shit up with it.
Me: So?
Guy: So, the lease owner was riding his four wheeler and ran over it.
Me: Ok, so what, hes mad cause he go shit on his ATV?
Guy: No he's mad because his wife got in her mouth because she was riding behind him.
Me: Ohh. Ok, I'll have him leave right quick.
Ohh Dear Lord
I was driving down a stretch of road in California one day and BAM!, it hit me. I had to shit. I had to shit really, really bad, like the kinda shit that if you don't find a toilet real quick you could total your truck on the stench alone. So I pull over at a big rest stop just a couple miles down the road from where the screaming meanies hit me to go do my business. Now, this is a large rest area, not a truck stop or convienent store but just a rest area and I can see as I pull in that there a lot of trucks here already, around 20 or 30 I'd say. At this point I'm just praying that there is an open stall because if not I'm gonna have to go in a 5 gallon bucket in the field behind it. So anyways, i walk into the bathroom, and it's pretty big, and they got about 8 stalls lined up in a row and the place smells like a mongolian grill that just burnt down. I bend over and look for feet and I can see people are occupying all the stalls but the last one, you know the cripple stall. So I run down there and open it up and I can't believe it, it's clean! I go ahead and start wiping the seat off just to be carefull, flush for clean water and place the all important bog roll inside and sit down on the throne to let the kids play in the pool. All is well.
Bout 5 minutes later the guy next to me leaves and a few minutes after that I hear the outside door open up and some boots going "tap tap tap tap tap tap" real fast on the ground. All of the sudden BAM! the stall door next to me slams open and I see these boots run into the stall just tappin up and down real fast like this guy is about to shit or piss all over himself or something. Now, these stalls were a little peculiar because they had a rather high bottom, meaning I could see almost up to this guys knees. He was wearing a pair of cowboy boots that looked rather nice, all embroidered and what have you and he had his blue jeans tucked into the top of his boots. So anyway, the guy walks up to the toilet and stops, stops moving, stops tapping, stops everything. He sits there for a few seconds and then takes a step back. Then another step back. Then another step back, until eventually his ass is nearly touching the stall door. I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "what the fuck is this guy doing" and just then he does a complete about face 180 degree turn. He is now facing the door and is right up against it. The next thing I see is knuckles, the guy had grabbed his pants at the waste and had yanked them to the floor to the point where his knuckles were on the floor and he wasn't letting go. What followed next was a nightmare. The guy starts spraying runny shit across the stall into the bowel, I mean this guy WAS SPRAYING SHIT....ACROSS THE STALL!!!! The guy in the stall on the other side starts screaming "WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK" and the shit sprayer, in a very calm tone, starts saying "Ohh dear Lord, Ohh dear Lord, it's a comin Lord, ohh dear Lord". This guy sprayed shit for a good 20-30 seconds and it's starting to seep under the stalls and it's just liquid death, luckily I was in the handicap stall and I had about a two foot buffer between my toilet and his stall. I'm screaming bloody murder and scooting over trying to avoid it and thats when I saw him yank up his pants, NO WIPING, just yanks his pants up, kicks the door open and runs outta the bathroom.
Now the guy in the other stall is not so lucky. Most of the shit had overflowed into his stall and his feet were saturated in liquid squirt. This guy is screaming a battle cry that woulda made Ghengis Khan shit his drawers. As I'm coming out of my stall I look into the stall of the shit bandit and see that this stall is completly and utterly destroyed. There is shit on the walls, all over the toilet, on the toilet paper, the floor is saturated and.....it was just bad. About that time the other guy comes out covered in shit and he takes off running to the door to try and find this guy screaming he was going to kill him. Well unfortunaly the shit bandit was long gone and I spent the next 30 minutes with my emergency backup bucket helping the guy clean his boots off (which he eventually ended up just throwing away). People start filing out of the bathroom laughing thier asses off and a few even throwing up. The cops showed up about 30 minutes later but the only information anyone could give them was that he was a religious cowboy with irritable bowel syndrome.
I Herd Dat
I was driving westbound on 40 on evening and for about 40 miles I could hear a man on the CB saying "I herd dat" every time someone would say something. People were asking if anyone has seen any big bears on the road (cops), "I herd dat", fella would reply no, "I herd dat", guy would say thanks, "I herd dat", other guy would say no problem, "i herd dat", then they would start bitchin at the guy all the while he's sitting there just repeating "I herd dat, I herd dat, I herd dat." Now you wouldn't think this would be a big deal but listen to that shit for an hour straight everytime someone says something....which is constantly, needeless to say all of the truckers were slightly irritated. Well, a few more miles down the road I was pulling in to the 107 at Morollton to get me some go-go juice and I hear someone on the CB say "WE GOT THE FUCKER!!, He's in a black Kenworth behind the 107 store!!, followed by "I herd dat".
Well seeing as how I'm already pulling into the 107 I decide to have a look and as I pull around the back, sure enough, I see a black Kenworth and about 15 truckers pulling a guy out of the cab and the guy is just laughing his ass off and saying I herd dat, I herd dat. What followed was one of the worst ass wippins I've ever witnessed. They beat this guy so bad that he shit himself....literally..beat the shit out of him. Then the truckers proceeded to rip his truck apart. After they were done they all went inside and had a cup of coffee.
And thats why you don't fuck around on a CB and if you do, you be damn sneaky about it.
Quotes
While standing in line at the cash register, one trucker taps my shoulder and says
"Whats the difference between a pervert and a kinky person? Kinky people use feathers, perverts use the whole chicken"
While sitting on the shitter at a truckstop a trucker comes in the stall next to me and says
"Hey dude, you ever tried thier fried catfish here? It's pretty good" followed by the sound of chunky runs hitting the water.
While eating a truckstop buffet
"Dif shit is so fuffin hard to eap since I loff my teeff", as he bit into a chicken fried steak with no teeth.
On the CB while driving
"If you wanna take a shower, the best in these parts are at the 87 stop, the floors aren't even sticky and the water nozzles won't shock you"
While sitting on the road after one of our trucks ran off in a ditch with a cop
Trucker: Well.....it aint that bad I suppose.
Cop: Yeah it's pretty bad.
Trucker: ahh well hell I know you are young and all...how old are you anyhow?
Cop: 25
Trucker: Boy you haven't seen bad, I mean how bad could you seen in 25 years, this aint bad.
Cop: Sir, your truck is in a bar ditch, you diesel tanks bottomed out on the culvert and your leaking diesel on my road and your trailer is on it's side and there is 50,000 lbs of sand on the road and shoulder. I'd say this is pretty bad.
Trucker: Well you obviously werent with me in '78 when one of the gas tankers in my convoy flipped over and.....(cop cuts him off)
Cop: I don't care, here is your failure to maintain ticket. Goodbye.
Trucker: God, what the hell was his problem.
Upon arriving at an oilsite
Oilfield guy: Hi, you the coordinator?
Me: Yeah, why?
Guy: You need to get truck 3740 off my site now.
Me: Why?
Guy: Because he took a shit in the lease owners driveway.
Me: Well, you guys don't have any portojohns out here, what do you expect?
Guy: Well, they were coming and he didn't wait.
Me: but you guys didn't have them out here already like you should have, besides I don't see what the problem is.
Guy; The problem is that he covered it up with a sock.
Me: you mean he wiped his ass with a sock?
Guy: Yeah, then covered his shit up with it.
Me: So?
Guy: So, the lease owner was riding his four wheeler and ran over it.
Me: Ok, so what, hes mad cause he go shit on his ATV?
Guy: No he's mad because his wife got in her mouth because she was riding behind him.
Me: Ohh. Ok, I'll have him leave right quick.
Last edited by Iconic Irony (2009-11-20 07:04:34)
