Recently, documents uncovered a DICE headquarters gave inside light to how some of the weapons and vehicles in Battlefield 2 were conceived. The documents showed that DICE had hired a military expert to give them advice and tips on how to design and balance the weapon systems in Battlefield 2. The following document that was smuggled out of DICE headquarters is a transcript of a conversation that was held between senior developers at DICE and the military advisor.
DICE: Welcome Lt. Jones. We are very happy to have you here. Could you please tell us a bit about yourself?
Lt. Jones: Thank you, well I was born in West Virginia and joined the Arm....I mean Marine Corp after college. Been there ever since. I've worked with almost every military gadget there is.
DICE: Great! Then you would be an excellent person to help us with modeling, skinning and balancing the vehicles and weapons in BF2. What we are going to do now is tell you what vehicles we have for the USMC team, one by one and we want you to tell us how they should move, how strong they are, and how fast and how powerfully they can shoot.
Lt. Jones: Sounds great, let's do it.
DICE: Okay, first up, we have the F-35. What can you tell us about that?
Lt. Jones: Hmm. Paper thin armor. I once spit on one and it blew up. It also fly's super slow and it's unique stealth technology makes it invisible to RADAR but makes it a beacon for Air to Air missiles. There is also a problem with missile tracking systems on that plane so the missiles have a hard time hitting their targets. Especially J-10's.
DICE: Ohhh, the J-10, what a coincidence because we are adding that jet as the main fighter for the PLA army, what are your thoughts on that plane?
Lt. Jones: Invincible. Tree's can't even kill it.
DICE: OK, J-10......invincible....right, got it. Now, what can you tell us about the Abrams tank?
Lt. Jones: The M1A1 MBT?
DICE: Yes, that is the one.
Lt. Jones: Good tank. Has a problem with navigating terrain, the engine and the armor seem to malfunction when going over small hills and bumps. I've also heard that 20 year old Russian tanks are far superior to even our newest models.
DICE: Ohh wow, didn't know that. OK, what can you tell us about LAV's?
Lt. Jones: Ohh those things are crap. They can't even get up a little hill without slowing down to a near crawl. Once, we were going up this hill and it slowed down so much I could see a small dog out running us. The main guns overheat really easily too.
DICE: Mmmkay, noted. Now, we are going to get into firearms. What can you tell us about the M203 grenade launcher?
Lt. Jones: Well it has a blast range of over 400 yards, but it explodes in such a fashion that it will not kill the person who shot it.
DICE: What? 400 yards?
Lt. Jones: Well....maybe not 400, more like 200 yards.
DICE: Do you know anything about Claymores?
Lt. Jones: Yes, they are detonated by a proxy fuse and the blast can kill people up to a mile away.
DICE: What? We thought Claymores had a tripwire detonation mechanism? Also.....1 mile away? Are you sure we are talkng about the same thing?
Lt. Jones: HEY! You want my advice or not asshole?
DICE:...........ok. Works for us. What about the M249 SAW?
Lt. Jones: That gun is just for show. The bullets don't actually come out, they just make a loud noise and scares the enemy away.
DICE: Ok, wait a minute....you trying to tell us that the M249 is not a gun? That it just scares people!?
Lt. Jones: I think so.
DICE: Whattya mean you think so!!?? Are you even in the marines!!??
Lt. Jones: Look man, you can take my advice or you can find out for yourself!
DICE: WERE YOU IN THE U.S.M.C. OR NOT!?
Lt. Jones: Yes.....well....no. I was in the French Marine Corp though!
DICE: GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FRENCH ASSHOLE!!
Lt. Jones: Wait wait....do I still get the $20!!??
DICE: NO!
Guards: What you want us to do with him?
DICE: Take him out back and dispose of him. Make sure no one finds the body. Ohh and take all his money.
Guards: You got it! Lets go Jean Juan.
Lt. Jones: NOOOOO!!!! I'm sorry!! help.......help.
DICE: Shit, we don't have time to find a real military expert. Clean the info he gave us up a little and release the game. We will fix the problem later through multiple patches.
And that is what happened to BF2. It's a fact, you can look it up.
DICE: Welcome Lt. Jones. We are very happy to have you here. Could you please tell us a bit about yourself?
Lt. Jones: Thank you, well I was born in West Virginia and joined the Arm....I mean Marine Corp after college. Been there ever since. I've worked with almost every military gadget there is.
DICE: Great! Then you would be an excellent person to help us with modeling, skinning and balancing the vehicles and weapons in BF2. What we are going to do now is tell you what vehicles we have for the USMC team, one by one and we want you to tell us how they should move, how strong they are, and how fast and how powerfully they can shoot.
Lt. Jones: Sounds great, let's do it.
DICE: Okay, first up, we have the F-35. What can you tell us about that?
Lt. Jones: Hmm. Paper thin armor. I once spit on one and it blew up. It also fly's super slow and it's unique stealth technology makes it invisible to RADAR but makes it a beacon for Air to Air missiles. There is also a problem with missile tracking systems on that plane so the missiles have a hard time hitting their targets. Especially J-10's.
DICE: Ohhh, the J-10, what a coincidence because we are adding that jet as the main fighter for the PLA army, what are your thoughts on that plane?
Lt. Jones: Invincible. Tree's can't even kill it.
DICE: OK, J-10......invincible....right, got it. Now, what can you tell us about the Abrams tank?
Lt. Jones: The M1A1 MBT?
DICE: Yes, that is the one.
Lt. Jones: Good tank. Has a problem with navigating terrain, the engine and the armor seem to malfunction when going over small hills and bumps. I've also heard that 20 year old Russian tanks are far superior to even our newest models.
DICE: Ohh wow, didn't know that. OK, what can you tell us about LAV's?
Lt. Jones: Ohh those things are crap. They can't even get up a little hill without slowing down to a near crawl. Once, we were going up this hill and it slowed down so much I could see a small dog out running us. The main guns overheat really easily too.
DICE: Mmmkay, noted. Now, we are going to get into firearms. What can you tell us about the M203 grenade launcher?
Lt. Jones: Well it has a blast range of over 400 yards, but it explodes in such a fashion that it will not kill the person who shot it.
DICE: What? 400 yards?
Lt. Jones: Well....maybe not 400, more like 200 yards.
DICE: Do you know anything about Claymores?
Lt. Jones: Yes, they are detonated by a proxy fuse and the blast can kill people up to a mile away.
DICE: What? We thought Claymores had a tripwire detonation mechanism? Also.....1 mile away? Are you sure we are talkng about the same thing?
Lt. Jones: HEY! You want my advice or not asshole?
DICE:...........ok. Works for us. What about the M249 SAW?
Lt. Jones: That gun is just for show. The bullets don't actually come out, they just make a loud noise and scares the enemy away.
DICE: Ok, wait a minute....you trying to tell us that the M249 is not a gun? That it just scares people!?
Lt. Jones: I think so.
DICE: Whattya mean you think so!!?? Are you even in the marines!!??
Lt. Jones: Look man, you can take my advice or you can find out for yourself!
DICE: WERE YOU IN THE U.S.M.C. OR NOT!?
Lt. Jones: Yes.....well....no. I was in the French Marine Corp though!
DICE: GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FRENCH ASSHOLE!!
Lt. Jones: Wait wait....do I still get the $20!!??
DICE: NO!
Guards: What you want us to do with him?
DICE: Take him out back and dispose of him. Make sure no one finds the body. Ohh and take all his money.
Guards: You got it! Lets go Jean Juan.
Lt. Jones: NOOOOO!!!! I'm sorry!! help.......help.
DICE: Shit, we don't have time to find a real military expert. Clean the info he gave us up a little and release the game. We will fix the problem later through multiple patches.
And that is what happened to BF2. It's a fact, you can look it up.