A man died in Karkand and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Howard's clock?" Asked the man.
"Howard's clock is in Jesus' office... he's using it as a ceiling fan"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me!"
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he
wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him,took his
wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later a redneck strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the
tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the redneck the whole terrible story about how he
got there.
When he finished telling his story, the redneck shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: The Broken Lawnmower
When our lawn mower brokedown, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the car, fishing, golf - always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will probably walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in Coles New World buying a large bag of Pal for my Corgi and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, and not at all like me, I told her that no, I was
starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is you load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food however is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall
guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that
why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Howard's clock?" Asked the man.
"Howard's clock is in Jesus' office... he's using it as a ceiling fan"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me!"
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he
wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him,took his
wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later a redneck strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the
tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the redneck the whole terrible story about how he
got there.
When he finished telling his story, the redneck shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: The Broken Lawnmower
When our lawn mower brokedown, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the car, fishing, golf - always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will probably walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in Coles New World buying a large bag of Pal for my Corgi and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, and not at all like me, I told her that no, I was
starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is you load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food however is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall
guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that
why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.