If you have anything to do with women, you know we've all been here!
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb -- went to see
the
baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts:
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention
of
wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said
so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to
throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it!
That
is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his
eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving
those
gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men. {Men are not big gift wrappers.}
Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody
else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific
fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said
the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I
don't
want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me
he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15
seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy
wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards
and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of
a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you
can
still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage
this
sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually
likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she
wraps
the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom
of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today
I am
presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim
that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced
in
half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid
starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates
a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning.
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or
how you wrap it.
The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you
save
the receipt.
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb -- went to see
the
baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts:
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention
of
wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said
so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to
throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it!
That
is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his
eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving
those
gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men. {Men are not big gift wrappers.}
Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody
else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific
fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said
the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I
don't
want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me
he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15
seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy
wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards
and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of
a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you
can
still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage
this
sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually
likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she
wraps
the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom
of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today
I am
presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim
that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced
in
half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid
starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates
a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning.
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or
how you wrap it.
The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you
save
the receipt.
