I hate cell phones. Personally, I think they are the worst invention of the past 20 years. A few reasons why I feel this way:
1. I hate talking on the phone. Why would I want to carry one around?
I absolutely hate talking on the phone. When you have to talk on a regular phone as much as I do, to the kind of people I have to talk to, I have no desire to talk on the phone if I am not at work. This is why I do not have a phone line in my apartment and it is also why I do not have a cell phone. I use Skype. That way, I can call and order a pizza or Chinese food, call my family, call friends, call into work, call maintenance to come fix my leaky faucet, but none of them can call me back and thats the way I like it. I can call who ever I wish and they can't call me, which basically means I don't have to talk to anyone unless I want to, plus I don't have to listen to telemarketers try and sell me Chia Pets or Insurance Plans. A house phone would be bad enough, but one strapped to my waist all day long? No thanks.
2. People want to be connected? Fuck that.
Why the hell would anyone want to be connected? That means if something happens at work and they need someone to come in, you might be the one who has to come in. Not me, good luck finding my ass on my days off. God, invented peep holes in the door for a reason, so that I can see you and you can't see me and if I don't want to answer it, I don't open the door. With a cell phone, you don't have much of an excuse outside of "Oops the battery wasn't charged." and that will only hold weight a few times. I like to be completely disconnected so that no one can bug me. If I'm balls deep in my girlfriends vagina, I don't want my boss to call me and say "Ohh yeah, umm, Johnny called and said he's sick, can you come into work in the next 20 minutes?". No, fuck you.
3. They always ring at the worst times.
Always. But, that doesn't happen if you don't own one. If I had a dollar for every time I've been in a theater and right at the scary part of the movie (you know, the quiet part right before someone gets eaten alive or decapitated) someones stupid cell phone goes off with it's "Take me out to the ball game" or "It's a small world after all" or "Where da hood, where da hood, where da hood at" ring tone, and completely ruins the moment. Or, right before I climax during sex, my girlfriends cell phone rings and she "just has to answer it". Thats only happened about 37 times.
4. People are idiots.
Before cell phones were invented, you normally had to be indoors or at a pay phone to use a phone. Either way you weren't in control of a vehicle moving at 70mph while on the phone. You actually were able to concentrate on the conversation before, or concentrate on the road. Now, people don't concentrate on either, they just talk to their gay lovers while barreling down the road like a fucking bat out of hell, worried not about the 40 other idiots doing the same thing driving next to them. For someone who is not talking on a cell phone while driving and actually paying attention to the idiot swerving back and forth in front of you, it's quite frightening. When you talk on the phone, you're supposed to talk on the phone. When you drive, you're supposed to be focused on driving the 2 ton, fast moving, lethal object, not discussing how the tampon receptical was full at the public bathroom to your friend Jennifer.
5. They are mind control devices.
I was in the mall the other day and as I walked by the arcade, I noticed a kid sitting in the seat of a race car game......playing on his cell phone. Playing......on his......cell.....phone. I thought, "you gotta be kidding me". Who the fuck goes to an arcade to play on their cell phone? Maybe the kid was broke, but then again, if you're broke, why hang out in a noisy ass arcade to play a cell phone game? Why not go outside were it's quite or to a bookstore or coffeeshop? Why an arcade? When I was a kid, if I was in an arcade, I was spending every last quarter I had on the arcade games, because it wasn't everyday that I got to go to an arcade. Once I was broke, I sat there and pretended to play the games while watching the little animations run on the screen. I bet if you asked someone who worked at the Grand Canyon what most kids do when they come, they would say something along the lines of "some look around, but most are playing with some gadget."
6. They make me want to punch people.
I'm sorry, but if you have something to say to me, say it. Don't start to say something and then cut yourself off to answer your phone and make sit there and wait, whilst having to listen to your boring conversation. Also, if someone is addressing you in real life, don't stick your finger in their face and say "Hang on!" while you finish your phone call with Cousin Susie and then continue to talk for another 15 minutes. Who saw the episode of "Blind Date" where the chick was talking on her phone, the ENTIRE night while her poor date sat there, bored off his ass and obviously annoyed? I wanted to punch that chick through the TV and I was rooting for the guy dater to just rape her and break her phone or something. How fucking stupid are you, if you ever answered your phone in a loud night club and tried to stick your finger in your other ear so that you could hear? Meanwhile, the person on the other end hears "SHSSHSSHHHHHHHHHHHSHSHSSHHKKKKKKOOOORRRROOOKKKKKRKRRKK". Go call the fire department on your phone and light your self on fire, make sure to scream really loud so they know it's important.
7. Nothing says you're an important person quite like a blue tooth.
Yeah, I always know an important person when I see one, mainly because it looks like they are talking to themselves in a corner, or sometimes, screaming at themselves. But in reality, they are talking on their blue tooth phones. A little thingy that clips to your ear and makes you look like an android from Star Trek. When I see someone carrying a brief case in one hand, a wad of papers and a starbucks coffee in the other and screaming at the wall while trying to hail a cab.....I know that guys a winner. I wish I had a job like his that caused me to get hemorrhoids and an ulcer at the age of 22. Must be nice, you tool. I wonder if he wears his blue tooth while he banging a prostitute on "Hooker Wednesday"?
The list really keeps going, but I think you all get the point. If you are the type of person that carries a cell phone everywhere you go and talk on it 21 hours a day, all the while annoying people who you interact with personally and making yourself look like a tool, then you fail at life and should consider removing yourself from the gene pool. Immediately.
1. I hate talking on the phone. Why would I want to carry one around?
I absolutely hate talking on the phone. When you have to talk on a regular phone as much as I do, to the kind of people I have to talk to, I have no desire to talk on the phone if I am not at work. This is why I do not have a phone line in my apartment and it is also why I do not have a cell phone. I use Skype. That way, I can call and order a pizza or Chinese food, call my family, call friends, call into work, call maintenance to come fix my leaky faucet, but none of them can call me back and thats the way I like it. I can call who ever I wish and they can't call me, which basically means I don't have to talk to anyone unless I want to, plus I don't have to listen to telemarketers try and sell me Chia Pets or Insurance Plans. A house phone would be bad enough, but one strapped to my waist all day long? No thanks.
2. People want to be connected? Fuck that.
Why the hell would anyone want to be connected? That means if something happens at work and they need someone to come in, you might be the one who has to come in. Not me, good luck finding my ass on my days off. God, invented peep holes in the door for a reason, so that I can see you and you can't see me and if I don't want to answer it, I don't open the door. With a cell phone, you don't have much of an excuse outside of "Oops the battery wasn't charged." and that will only hold weight a few times. I like to be completely disconnected so that no one can bug me. If I'm balls deep in my girlfriends vagina, I don't want my boss to call me and say "Ohh yeah, umm, Johnny called and said he's sick, can you come into work in the next 20 minutes?". No, fuck you.
3. They always ring at the worst times.
Always. But, that doesn't happen if you don't own one. If I had a dollar for every time I've been in a theater and right at the scary part of the movie (you know, the quiet part right before someone gets eaten alive or decapitated) someones stupid cell phone goes off with it's "Take me out to the ball game" or "It's a small world after all" or "Where da hood, where da hood, where da hood at" ring tone, and completely ruins the moment. Or, right before I climax during sex, my girlfriends cell phone rings and she "just has to answer it". Thats only happened about 37 times.
4. People are idiots.
Before cell phones were invented, you normally had to be indoors or at a pay phone to use a phone. Either way you weren't in control of a vehicle moving at 70mph while on the phone. You actually were able to concentrate on the conversation before, or concentrate on the road. Now, people don't concentrate on either, they just talk to their gay lovers while barreling down the road like a fucking bat out of hell, worried not about the 40 other idiots doing the same thing driving next to them. For someone who is not talking on a cell phone while driving and actually paying attention to the idiot swerving back and forth in front of you, it's quite frightening. When you talk on the phone, you're supposed to talk on the phone. When you drive, you're supposed to be focused on driving the 2 ton, fast moving, lethal object, not discussing how the tampon receptical was full at the public bathroom to your friend Jennifer.
5. They are mind control devices.
I was in the mall the other day and as I walked by the arcade, I noticed a kid sitting in the seat of a race car game......playing on his cell phone. Playing......on his......cell.....phone. I thought, "you gotta be kidding me". Who the fuck goes to an arcade to play on their cell phone? Maybe the kid was broke, but then again, if you're broke, why hang out in a noisy ass arcade to play a cell phone game? Why not go outside were it's quite or to a bookstore or coffeeshop? Why an arcade? When I was a kid, if I was in an arcade, I was spending every last quarter I had on the arcade games, because it wasn't everyday that I got to go to an arcade. Once I was broke, I sat there and pretended to play the games while watching the little animations run on the screen. I bet if you asked someone who worked at the Grand Canyon what most kids do when they come, they would say something along the lines of "some look around, but most are playing with some gadget."
6. They make me want to punch people.
I'm sorry, but if you have something to say to me, say it. Don't start to say something and then cut yourself off to answer your phone and make sit there and wait, whilst having to listen to your boring conversation. Also, if someone is addressing you in real life, don't stick your finger in their face and say "Hang on!" while you finish your phone call with Cousin Susie and then continue to talk for another 15 minutes. Who saw the episode of "Blind Date" where the chick was talking on her phone, the ENTIRE night while her poor date sat there, bored off his ass and obviously annoyed? I wanted to punch that chick through the TV and I was rooting for the guy dater to just rape her and break her phone or something. How fucking stupid are you, if you ever answered your phone in a loud night club and tried to stick your finger in your other ear so that you could hear? Meanwhile, the person on the other end hears "SHSSHSSHHHHHHHHHHHSHSHSSHHKKKKKKOOOORRRROOOKKKKKRKRRKK". Go call the fire department on your phone and light your self on fire, make sure to scream really loud so they know it's important.
7. Nothing says you're an important person quite like a blue tooth.
Yeah, I always know an important person when I see one, mainly because it looks like they are talking to themselves in a corner, or sometimes, screaming at themselves. But in reality, they are talking on their blue tooth phones. A little thingy that clips to your ear and makes you look like an android from Star Trek. When I see someone carrying a brief case in one hand, a wad of papers and a starbucks coffee in the other and screaming at the wall while trying to hail a cab.....I know that guys a winner. I wish I had a job like his that caused me to get hemorrhoids and an ulcer at the age of 22. Must be nice, you tool. I wonder if he wears his blue tooth while he banging a prostitute on "Hooker Wednesday"?
The list really keeps going, but I think you all get the point. If you are the type of person that carries a cell phone everywhere you go and talk on it 21 hours a day, all the while annoying people who you interact with personally and making yourself look like a tool, then you fail at life and should consider removing yourself from the gene pool. Immediately.
