Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their hall of stone,
Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
Twenty rings to make Mr. T look cool,
Upon them inscribed, "I pity the fool."
Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.
If you rearrange the letters in Mr. T, he'll fucking break you.
Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the fuck down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.
Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
Mr. T and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Mr. T beat a wall at tennis. A fucking WALL.
Show Mr. T a ship of fools, and he will show you a torpedo full of pity.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr. T is so scary that his hair is actually afraid to grow. The only reason he has a mohawk is because it's in his blind spot.
In August 2005 Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris went shark fishing 845 miles east of Bermuda and 1,139 miles west of the Azores Islands. After finishing off 10 kegs of Milwaukees Best and 2 barbequed tiger sharks Mr.T asked Vin Diesel to pull his finger. At the exact moment that Vin Diesel pulled Mr. T's finger Chuck Norris round house kicked Mr. T in the stomach "for fun". The resulting flatulence refered to by most as "Hurricane Katrina" has cost over $1.13 billion so far and almost destroyed New Orleans. To help aliviate his conscious Chuck will provide free "Roundhouse Kick" seminars to the hurricane victims. As for Mr. T he will simply pity the fools.
The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T's Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T “ain’t got no time for the jibba-jabba.” In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T’s tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T’s pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity.
Mr. T once beat Donovan Bailey in the 100 meter dash. He didn't even know he was racing, just that someone near the finish line leaned against his Toyota Camry.
Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was.
Mr. T is one part gold, two parts muscle, one part anger, and no parts jibba jabba.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.
Rocky III was a groundbreaking film. It took 135 special effects artists 13 months to make it seem like Rocky won the second fight to Mr. T.
Mr. T hates golf so much, he smacked half the black out of Tiger Woods.
If you laid out all of Mr. T's gold chains end to end, he would kick your sorry ass.
The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled "Fools and Those Who Pity Them", only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.
Asteroids do not hit the Earth because Mr. T swings a redwood tree to bat them back into outer space. The one that killed the dinosaurs was high and to the outside, and Mr. T wisely checked his swing.
Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
Unbeknownst to the modern world, the Triforce actually exists. Unlike The Legend of Zelda, however, the pieces of the Triforce are named the Triforce of Vin Diesel, the Triforce of Mr. T, and the Triforce of Chuck Norris, all held by Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and Chuck Norris, respectively. If all the pieces of the Triforce come together, there will come a power the universe has never seen. The reason the Triforce hasn't been united today lies in three simple facts: Chuck Norris thinks mohawks are gay, Mr. T thinks beards are gay, and that Vin Diesel thinks hair in general is gay.
Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be pitied by Mr. T, than you are to have feet.
Mr. T was the original host of "Pimp My Ride". He was fired halfway through the first season after installing machine gun turrets and gold chain steering wheels on every vehicle.
Mr. T refuses to forgive the Republican party for not letting him "just take care of them terrorist fools." George W. Bush claims that it was because Mr. T being a weapon of mass destruction is in violation of international treaty. After hearing this, Mr. T proceeded to impregnate both of Bush's daughters at the same time. All he had to do was let them touch his mohawk.
Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
Mr. T was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us fools, who have to fight for it.
Once, Mr. T joined forces with Chuck Norris to fight crime. All criminals in the known universe were instantly vaporized by the sheer awsomeness of their Mohawk/Mullet combination. Afterwards, Mr. T created Vin Diesel using a welder and a 55 gallon drum, but left him bald so that he could not challenge their hairdo supremecy.
Complaining of back pain, Atlas once asked Mr. T to hold up the world for him. Mr. T agreed, on the condition that in exchange Atlas would wear Mr. T's golden necklaces. After five minutes of excruciating pain, Atlas asked for the world back.
Mr. T once was a referee at a football game, blowing his whistle he created a new call, "Too much jibbah-Jabbah on the field!" He punched the other officials in the nuts when they argued, then he set about pitying all the fools in the stadium.
Mr. T is not actually black, but his thousands of gold chains create a gravity well so strong not even light can escape.
Mr. T can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
Mr. T currently resides in a small village in Turkmenistan, where "Mr. T" translates to "Santa Claus." In unrelated news, Children in Turkmenistan are scared shitless of Santa Claus.
If Mr. T wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Mr. T has found too chewy to eat.
Ever have one of those nights when you'd wake up panting and sweating? That was Mr.T, and you my friend, have just been pitied.
Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
Mr. T never takes showers. Instead, whenevr he's dirty, he points to himself and shouts, "CLEAN!"
Mr. T is actually color-blind. Not because his eyes are defective, but because most colors are afraid to show themselves.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
The General Mills cereal company fired Mr. T from his job of coming up with new cereal ideas. Unfortunately for us all, they would not allow Mr. T to create a cereal that was made with chunks of raw meat and gold.
"I am the best bodyguard, because I'll take a bullet, I'll take a stab wound, I'll take a hit upside the head; I'm like a Kamikaze pilot. The President [Ronald Reagan] got shot because his men relaxed." - Mr. T, in the Sept. 1983 issue of Playboy
Mr. T invented the I.Q. testing system so he could more accurately pity fools.
Mr. T stole Michael Jackson's black.
Mr. T does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
Mr. T has beat the shit out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.
A diamond is the hardest element found on Earth. A scientist will swear to that fact, until -- in the very near future -- he meets the wrong end of Mr. T's fist.
Scientists theorize that Mr. T cannot catch AIDS because his T-cells pity the virus into submission. The study of this phenomenon would lead to an AIDS vaccine; however doctors cannot obtain a blood sample because medical science has been unable to invent a hypodermic needle capable of piercing Mr. T’s skin.
Mr. T is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
Satan sold his soul to Mr. T.
While filming Rocky III, Mr. T punched Sylvester Stallone so hard Sly spoke clearly for a week.
When Mr. T was a little boy, his father told him he was going to get a spanking for bad behavior. Just before he spanked Mr. T, his Dad said, "Son, this is going to hurt me allot more than it hurts you." Mr. T's Dad was right.
Mr. T once murdered a man with his balls that why it is known as T-bagging
Having had enough of Nazi Germany, Mr. T landed on Normandy with the Marines, crossed his arms with intense pity for Hitler, and instantly destroyed the Nazi war machine. Known as T-Day by the locals, history mistakenly refered to this event as "D-Day".
Mr. T is currently campaigning to have the chemical symbol for gold renamed from Au to T.
When God shuts a door and opens a window, Mr. T just kicks the door down, windows are for pussies.
Jabba the Hut used to be a tall beautiful blonde woman named Susan, until she talked too much during a date with Mr. T.
After piting her to the point where she melted into the slug beast form, Mr. T re-named her Jabba to remind her not to jibba-jabba so much.
The Catholic Church is considering sainthood for Mr. T, taking in consideration for the pity he has shown to so many fools. When asked what he would do with this new found honor he vowed to challange Stallone and regain his championship.
The first car was initially named the "Ford Transpor-mobile." Mr. T pitied Henry Ford so bad that Ford came to his senses and appropriately changed the name to the "Model T."
The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
Mr. T once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'T'! Fool!!" This was at a motivational speaking conference and it was the entirety of his lecture.
Mr. T was fired from his job as a weather man because his forecast was always 75% chance of pity, clearing late in the evening with a 95% of pain overnight. He was always right.
Mr. T's body is composed of 95% recycled material, making him earth friendly and of benefit to society. To balance himself out, Mr. T sets fire to one national park per year.
Mr. T does not read these facts. He ain't got time for this jibba-jabba.
Mr. T invented orphans.
Although Mr. T contains vitamins A1, B2, C, niacin and iron, it is YOU who are part of HIS complete breakfast, suckah.
Mr. T is the original black Power Ranger.
Mr. T has four stomachs like a cow. Still, he can't stomach no fool.
Mr. T defeated Stephen Hawking at Rock-Paper-Scissors in 1972, and again in 1985 using his trademarked Mohawk Chop (three papers, thrown aggressively). Mr. T vehemently denies choosing this strategy solely because Stephen Hawking cannot physically make scissors, and pities the fool who brings up the subject to his face.
The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Mr. T was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.
Mr. T was the first man on the moon, and claimed it by carving a gigantic "T" stretching from horizon to horizon. In his wisdom, he carved it on the dark side, as a warning to any aliens who might even think of attacking.
When Mr. T pours his alphabets cereal into a bowl, only T's come out.
Mr. T has killed Mr. A through Mr. S; U through Z are slaves in his gold mine.
Upon Realizing how many lives it would take to defeat the Japanese in WWII, Gerneral McArthur sent Mr.T and Chuck Noris plane tickets to a Anime convention in Hiroshima. I think we all know what happened next.
If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small.
Mr. T encourages people to "love their mama." This is because if you aren't loving your mama, Mr. T will break your front door down and love your mama until he pitys her.
The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.
When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
Mr.T pities the fools who don't eat his cereal, as it is the only known source of Vitamin T.
When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.
Mr. T and the rest of the "A-Team" were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A2 Abrams Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult.
Mr. T once won the Olympics. All of them.
Physical contact with Mr. T's gold chains produces the same effect as evolution.
When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
Mr. T once biked around North America, beating Lance Armstrong's Tour De France time by 3 and a half hours. When questioned about this amazing feat his only comment was "France is for fools!"
To make sure he was born tough, Mr. T's mother would punch her womb between shots of vodka.
96 percent of Americans believe that Mr. T still pities the fool.
If Mr.T and The Fonz were ever to hi-five it would bring about another ice age
Mr. T doesn't screw in lightbulbs. He holds it in place while the room spins around in fear.
In 1982 while working as a bouncer Mr. T invented a move so perilous that it is still spoken of with great admiration... that move is forever known as T Bagging.
Much like the Grinch, Mr. T once stole Christmas, but never gave it back and called the Grinch a "pussy" for doing so.
Mr. T was originally supposed to play the T. Rex in Jurassic Park. However he was fired for "accidentally" eating the original children.
There has only been one verified X-Ray of Mr. T’s body ever taken. Frighteningly it shows that Mr. T has 10 rows of teeth similar to that of a shark, and where his heart should be there is instead a fist shaped tumor one doctor remarked as, “The most violent, vicious, black hole of anger and pity I’ve ever seen.”
