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Mr Coffee?
By Writer Cath
Published: May 19, 2007
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I wanna Instant Mr. Coffee
By: TNT
Around 2:30AM, I got a call from Drunkman... my comments are often what I meant, not what I actually said.
The call started with perhaps the greatest opening sentence in tech support history --
Caller: I wanna instant Mr. Coffee on my thing and I need it real bad. Can you help?
Me: For some reason, I'm hoping I can't, but let's give it a go.
Caller: I gotta have it tonight, because I've been without it and I don't want to be no more. I got to tell you though, I don't know nothing about these things.
Me: Great. Desperate, drunk and stupid... you're the perfect caller.
After a very long time, I was finally able to puzzle out that the caller wanted to install McAfee anti-virus on his computer.
I felt like quitting right then and there. In order to get our free McAfee, a caller has to log into his homepage account, set up a McAfee account, get a confirmation email and then download the software... a process that involves having Internet Explorer insist on installing several ActiveX controls -- while at the same time discouraging the user from installing said controls. And if there's a pop-up blocker...
A smart, sober person can be baffled by the process, and even a smart tech can be frustrated walking that smart, sober person through it. Imagine the hilarity of having me -- a not particularly bright tech -- trying to walk a desperate, drunk and stupid person through it.
And, for reasons unknown, the caller did think the whole thing was hilarious. Every time a new message appeared on screen, he'd say, "It says here, ha ha ha ha ha! I have no clue what that means."
"I have enough clues for both of us. I just need to know what it says."
"It says, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is like a whole different language."
All right... time to find a polite way to say, "call me when you're sober."
Me: We've been at this long time. It's a very complicated process. Perhaps in the morning you could find someone to sit beside you and help you.
Caller: You're the one that's supposed to help me.
Great... start making sense now.
Me: Okay, what do you see on the screen?
Caller: It says, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... damn, this stuff is just weird.
Me: That's why you should have someone sitting right beside you.
Caller: So, you won't help me?
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Caller: You can't even help me with this.
Me: Thank you for calling...