people always whine and bitch about how horrid teen drivers are. truth is, we're not really much worse than you (most of us, anyways...). the only reason we get into more accidents is because we tend to drive faster and we tend to trust ourselves too much behind the wheel. I've been driving for only 6 months, and I already drive better than most of the other drivers out there.
That being said, I present my definitive guide to driving like an asshole.
DO:
cut me off
you have no idea how much joy i get when somebody does this to me. i just love slamming on my breaks, which now squeak quite harmoniously, thanks to you, to avoid crushing you and your baby on board sticker.
talk on your cell phone
I really love it when you're weaving all over the fucking place. Its like you're Dale Earnhardt Jr, and I'm Jeff Gordon. Its a blast! Most fun I've had in 8 years, really!
take as long as you can to get to speed
I love waiting behind your gas guzzling hummer, really! Your vanity plate is so clever, I thank God that you're driving so slowly so I can figure it out!
Merge in front of me at the last second instead of waiting three more for me to pass, giving you a mile of empty space to get into the lane
I love breaking for your impatient ass. It lets me hear that harmonious squeak I mentioned earlier, and it gives me so much joy I just can't contain it!
Merge in front of me, only to drive a slower speed than I was going
This might be my favorite of all. Please, If I'm going 60 in a 50, go 40. Thats an invitation. This gives me so much joy its all I can do to keep myself from blowing a hot, sticky load all over my steering wheel! Bonus points if there's plenty of space behind me.
steal my lane in a turn
Those double left turns lanes are fucking awesome. There's nothing like Mommy and baby Jimmy in the far left deciding they want to be in my turn lane, occupying the space of my God damned car.
drive ten under
Did you know this is actually more dangerous than speeding is? Its true! look it up if you don't believe me! As we all know, Danger * Frustration of other drivers*your weight*the kind of car you are driving*number of bumper stickers^3= your asshole level, thus actually making this move more fitting of an asshole than driving too fast.
change lanes without using your turn signal
Please, by all means, scare the fucking shit out of me. Its like I'm riding a roller coaster, but without the lines! There's nothing like glancing in my rear view, glancing forward, then at my speedometer, then forward to see a car trying to occupy the space of my front fucking bumper. joy!
give me those "teen driver" looks
I'm a kid, I know, therefore, I must drive like I'm getting head from your mother and sister at the same time. Never mind my spotless driving record, the fact that I've reacted quickly enough to avoid getting into more than 24 accidents (all caused by the other driver, mind you, and most of them women in their mid 30s and 40s), or that I drive a car that you more than likely can't*, or that you've caused 6 fucking accidents by dutifully following this list.
steal my right of way
You're late, I know. Its cool bro. I can wait a few seconds, doesn't matter if I'm late at all, I'm a kid!
drive without a muffler, on purpose
Dude, you are so fucking AWESOME! Can I like, be your friend or something? Thats just so bad ass that I can still hear you three cars away!
use the suicide lane for passing
Like I said before, you're late, I understand. Its cool bro, and those people honking? oh, don't worry, they don't need that lane to turn or anything, they're just saying hi!
honk your horn at any time
Nice sound there bro, but its blocking that harmonious break sound I was talking about earlier. Think you could keep it to your-fucking-self? Thanks.
slow to a crawl to enter a parking lot or go over speed bumps, especially if your car is raised or you're driving an SUV/truck, or both
This just makes me feel so happy, its like I'm high. Sure, you've stranded me in the middle of fucking traffic, but at least you didn't scratch your tires or drop your cell phone. General rule: if I go over it 15-20mph, take it at five.
give me the finger when I stall*
I'm sitting here, blocking the lane for a whole two seconds while I restart my engine. I know you don't understand that cars can actually stall, 'cause your automatic shit beater never has. Its cool bro. But don't worry, I haven't stalled in four months, so we're probably good.
stop too close to me, especially on a hill*
You know how they say you're supposed to be able to see the other car's tires on the pavement when you're stopped behind it? Well, that rule is only for cocksuckers, and you're not a cocksucker, are you! no! disregard it completely! and feel free to honk your ass off when you've noticed that I've rolled backwards three inches, because I'm clearly driving in reverse and trying to fuck up your already shitty car! Its cool though, you don't drive stick and never will (its pretty difficult, I know. its only for poor people, so you're probably good if you get a second mortgage or something like that), so you shouldn't have to respect the law*. By the way, even though when this happens you've technically rear-ended me, its definitely all my fault and you should curb stomp me to teach me a lesson.
Bonus points if:
You combine one or more of these in one swift move of pure asshattery.
You cause a wreck.
You cause a wreck, and then sue for injuries.
You give a courtesy wave while doing any of the above.
You give me a dirty look when you notice me swearing under my breath (hopefully in your rearview).
You avoid getting pulled over by that cop in the next lane while doing any of these.
You attempt to scare me into submission.
*May not be applicable outside of the US
If you can manage to incorporate these basic moves into your daily driving routine, then you're ready to call yourself an asshole driver! congratulations!
That being said, I present my definitive guide to driving like an asshole.
DO:
cut me off
you have no idea how much joy i get when somebody does this to me. i just love slamming on my breaks, which now squeak quite harmoniously, thanks to you, to avoid crushing you and your baby on board sticker.
talk on your cell phone
I really love it when you're weaving all over the fucking place. Its like you're Dale Earnhardt Jr, and I'm Jeff Gordon. Its a blast! Most fun I've had in 8 years, really!
take as long as you can to get to speed
I love waiting behind your gas guzzling hummer, really! Your vanity plate is so clever, I thank God that you're driving so slowly so I can figure it out!
Merge in front of me at the last second instead of waiting three more for me to pass, giving you a mile of empty space to get into the lane
I love breaking for your impatient ass. It lets me hear that harmonious squeak I mentioned earlier, and it gives me so much joy I just can't contain it!
Merge in front of me, only to drive a slower speed than I was going
This might be my favorite of all. Please, If I'm going 60 in a 50, go 40. Thats an invitation. This gives me so much joy its all I can do to keep myself from blowing a hot, sticky load all over my steering wheel! Bonus points if there's plenty of space behind me.
steal my lane in a turn
Those double left turns lanes are fucking awesome. There's nothing like Mommy and baby Jimmy in the far left deciding they want to be in my turn lane, occupying the space of my God damned car.
drive ten under
Did you know this is actually more dangerous than speeding is? Its true! look it up if you don't believe me! As we all know, Danger * Frustration of other drivers*your weight*the kind of car you are driving*number of bumper stickers^3= your asshole level, thus actually making this move more fitting of an asshole than driving too fast.
change lanes without using your turn signal
Please, by all means, scare the fucking shit out of me. Its like I'm riding a roller coaster, but without the lines! There's nothing like glancing in my rear view, glancing forward, then at my speedometer, then forward to see a car trying to occupy the space of my front fucking bumper. joy!
give me those "teen driver" looks
I'm a kid, I know, therefore, I must drive like I'm getting head from your mother and sister at the same time. Never mind my spotless driving record, the fact that I've reacted quickly enough to avoid getting into more than 24 accidents (all caused by the other driver, mind you, and most of them women in their mid 30s and 40s), or that I drive a car that you more than likely can't*, or that you've caused 6 fucking accidents by dutifully following this list.
steal my right of way
You're late, I know. Its cool bro. I can wait a few seconds, doesn't matter if I'm late at all, I'm a kid!
drive without a muffler, on purpose
Dude, you are so fucking AWESOME! Can I like, be your friend or something? Thats just so bad ass that I can still hear you three cars away!
use the suicide lane for passing
Like I said before, you're late, I understand. Its cool bro, and those people honking? oh, don't worry, they don't need that lane to turn or anything, they're just saying hi!
honk your horn at any time
Nice sound there bro, but its blocking that harmonious break sound I was talking about earlier. Think you could keep it to your-fucking-self? Thanks.
slow to a crawl to enter a parking lot or go over speed bumps, especially if your car is raised or you're driving an SUV/truck, or both
This just makes me feel so happy, its like I'm high. Sure, you've stranded me in the middle of fucking traffic, but at least you didn't scratch your tires or drop your cell phone. General rule: if I go over it 15-20mph, take it at five.
give me the finger when I stall*
I'm sitting here, blocking the lane for a whole two seconds while I restart my engine. I know you don't understand that cars can actually stall, 'cause your automatic shit beater never has. Its cool bro. But don't worry, I haven't stalled in four months, so we're probably good.
stop too close to me, especially on a hill*
You know how they say you're supposed to be able to see the other car's tires on the pavement when you're stopped behind it? Well, that rule is only for cocksuckers, and you're not a cocksucker, are you! no! disregard it completely! and feel free to honk your ass off when you've noticed that I've rolled backwards three inches, because I'm clearly driving in reverse and trying to fuck up your already shitty car! Its cool though, you don't drive stick and never will (its pretty difficult, I know. its only for poor people, so you're probably good if you get a second mortgage or something like that), so you shouldn't have to respect the law*. By the way, even though when this happens you've technically rear-ended me, its definitely all my fault and you should curb stomp me to teach me a lesson.
Bonus points if:
You combine one or more of these in one swift move of pure asshattery.
You cause a wreck.
You cause a wreck, and then sue for injuries.
You give a courtesy wave while doing any of the above.
You give me a dirty look when you notice me swearing under my breath (hopefully in your rearview).
You avoid getting pulled over by that cop in the next lane while doing any of these.
You attempt to scare me into submission.
*May not be applicable outside of the US
If you can manage to incorporate these basic moves into your daily driving routine, then you're ready to call yourself an asshole driver! congratulations!