_j5689_
Dreads & Bergers
+364|7202|Riva, MD
I've just finished typing a 4-paragraph essay, due tomorrow, which is about why art should not be a required subject.  I just wanted to see what people thought of the essay, my writing skills, and whether or not anyone agrees with me.  I'm 15 years old btw.

Marty Tilert                                                                  1/13/08
English 10                                                                      Mod 1



                 Why art should not be a required subject


       I do not believe that art should be a required subject to pass high school. 
Currently you need one half of a credit, or one year, of art in order to pass in a
Prince George's County public high school.  It is a general waste of time in the day
as well as the year.


          I have not taken the class myself, but I have seen some of the ridiculous
things that are done in art and wondered about how it is possible that the school
system allows such useless things to be done in a class year after year.  I fail to
see the practicality of knowing how to make a mask out of an empty milk jug, or
how to draw a picture of your shoe.  It would also be embarrassing to have to
carry some of the stuff made in, or for, that class around school for transportation
to, or from, that class.  I don't know if the school systems are trying to promote
some sort of cultural education or what, but a public high school is not the place
to do it, especially considering that this stuff is already done in elementary and
middle school, where there is no "credits" system and such things as this class
would actually take greater affect in teaching cultural values, since the kids
learning it have more impressionable minds.

          High school is basically pre-college.  The way I see it, anything you'll ever
need in college or in the real world is taught in high school, of course with the
exception of this class.  I've walked into the art class before upon orders of
Mr. Austin to get a laptop from the teacher, and the class was quite disorderly,
it was as if the people had all changed into bratty children.  As for the laptop,
what use does an art teacher have for a laptop anyway, aside from having an
emergency vessel through which to send the attendance when the desktop is
either not functioning right or simply non-existent, and yet that classroom has a
perfectly functional desktop from what I could see; my point being that this class
is also a waste of resources.

          I do not look forward to having to participate in this huge and unfair waste
of time, nevertheless I have no choice.  This is a truly ridiculous class in my
eyes, and it will be a period in my day next year that could've been put to so
much better use than what it will be.  I can only hope that the class goes by
quickly once I am in it.

Last edited by _j5689_ (2008-01-13 15:24:40)

Simon
basically
+838|7143|UK
Just glancing though it, it looks like a pretty casual essay, is that what you we're going for?
ig
This topic seems to have no actual posts
+1,199|7007
don't use first person unless you were specifically asked to do so
SenorToenails
Veritas et Scientia
+444|6615|North Tonawanda, NY
I had this same problem is high school:  excessive comma usage.

You might want to touch on some of the positive aspects of the class, but how they don't interest you.  Like, critiquing and understanding art is taught (at least, when I took a studio art class it was taught).  Focus a little less on "waste of time" and "uselessness" unless you have some more concrete reasons.

And I agree with Simon -- it is casual.

It's a good first draft, just don't let it be the only draft.
lavadisk
I am a cat ¦ 3
+369|7314|Denver colorado
Although I don't agree with the content of your essay I think its ok.

you could have spiced up the wording a little more because its really simple, a bit redundant.
HurricaИe
Banned
+877|6446|Washington DC
You should put a twist in it where you rant about how explicating poems and deciphering the hidden meanings of archaic books doesn't help anyone seeking a career in medicine, business, aeronautics, or the military
_j5689_
Dreads & Bergers
+364|7202|Riva, MD
Yeah, it is the rough draft anyway.  I'm actually quite pleased with myself and what I got, it only had to be 3 paragraphs, but I figure I might as well make a second middle paragraph when I noticed it was already getting pretty big.  I also used a lot of big words that people in my class wouldn't dare go near.
farmerfez
o wut?
+78|7015

lulz now we know your real name 0o
HurricaИe
Banned
+877|6446|Washington DC
Also J look at it this way, in art class you get however long your class periods are to fuck around and unless you're a total tool you can't fail. How is that in any way shape or form bad


Also, titles are like this: Why Art Should Not Be a Required Subject
aj0404
It'll just be our little secret
+298|6834|Iowa...

_j5689_ wrote:

where there is no "credits" system and such things as this class
would actually take greater effect in teaching cultural values, since the kids
learning it have more impressionable minds.
/grammar nazi
HurricaИe
Banned
+877|6446|Washington DC
And yeah it sounds pretty casual. If that's acceptable then fine. Otherwise do things like remove contractions ("do not" instead of "don't")
Loonyk
Member
+5|6645|Saint-Hubert, Québec,Canada
Military Writing structure:

1. Who you are...why are you writing.
2.Positive
3.Negative
4.your recommendation following risk management principle

You should re-structure your body to follow this. IMO
DesertFox-
The very model of a modern major general
+796|7169|United States of America

_j5689_ wrote:

I do not believe that (A)rt should not be a required subject to pass high school. 
Currently only one half of a credit, or one year, of art is necessary in order to pass in a
Prince George's County public high school.  It is a general waste of time in the day
as well as the year.


          I have not taken the class myself, but I have seen some of the ridiculous
things that are done in art and wondered about how it is possible that the school
system allows such useless things to be done in a class year after year.  I fail to
see the practicality of knowing how to make a mask out of an empty milk jug, or
how to draw a picture of your shoe.  It would also be embarrassing to have to
carry some of the stuff made in, or for, that class around school for transportation
to, or from, that class.  I don't know if the school systems are trying to promote
some sort of cultural education or what, but a public high school is not the place
to do it, especially considering that this stuff is already done in elementary and
middle school, where there is no "credits" system and such things as this class
would actually take greater affect in teaching cultural values, since the kids
learning it have more impressionable minds.
---------------Get rid of all first person, state your opinion without it

          High school is basically pre-college.  The way I see it, anything you'll ever
need in college or in the real world is taught in high school, of course with the
exception of this class.  I've walked into the art class before upon orders of
Mr. Austin to get a laptop from the teacher, and the class was quite disorderly,
it was as if the people had all changed into bratty children.
<--(anecdotal)  As for the laptop,
what use does an art teacher have for a laptop anyway, aside from having an
emergency vessel through which to send the attendance
<--(not really a strong argument) when the desktop is
either not functioning right or simply non-existent, and yet that classroom has a
perfectly functional desktop from what I could see; my point being that (T)his class
is also a waste of resources. <--(provide more support)

          I do not look forward to having to participate in this huge and unfair waste
of time, nevertheless I have no choice.
  This is a truly ridiculous class in my
eyes
, and it will be a period in my day next year that could've been put to so
much better use than what it will be.
<--(first person)  I can only hope that the class goes by
quickly once I am in it.
I made some more formal changes. The bold text is what I added. The italicized contains my suggestions or explanations. Highlighted areas are where I see conflicts. I'm just one person though and may be applying too difficult of standards to this. You asked for it, though.
_j5689_
Dreads & Bergers
+364|7202|Riva, MD
I forgot to mention this is supposed to be a persuasive paragraph.  I reckon I did even worse when that's put into to play, lol.
pirate7474
Oh noes!
+11|6484|USA
maybe include statistics and quotes from people in other papers?
that would make a stronger argument
Miggle
FUCK UBISOFT
+1,411|7227|FUCK UBISOFT

It was pretty boring tbh marty.
https://i.imgur.com/86fodNE.png
elite3444
The other kid
+24|7122|USA

farmerfez wrote:

lulz now we know your real name 0o
KIDNAP!!!
clogar
damn ain't it great to be a laxer
+32|6440|Minnesota
don't use contractions in formal writing
nukchebi0
Пушкин, наше всё
+387|6809|New Haven, CT

_j5689_ wrote:

I also used a lot of big words that people in my class wouldn't dare go near.
Big words do not a good essay make. Just remember that.

Last edited by nukchebi0 (2008-01-13 17:39:39)

Bert10099
[]D [] []\/[] []D
+177|7226|United States
Yeah, no contractions.  Besides, it increases your word count.

Overall, not too shabby, Marty Tilert.

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