Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs Friday night. And if you don't like Rudolph, then the ghost of Burl Ives cordially invites you to suck his eggnog-dipped balls. Rudolph is the tits. It's got racism, lust ("Now it's your turn to make acquaintances with that doe!"), violent monsters that like fucking shit up ("He's mean! He's nasty! And he hates everything to do with Christmas!"). Plus, if you don't like Christmas, Santa comes off like a real douchebag, who blatantly discriminates based on nose color and fancies himself a vicious elf choir taskmaster. Plus, he's got an inexplicably Italian wife ("Now, that's-a my Santa!"), whose voracious appetite for a sexy, chubby husband make Christmas the horniest time of year.
I also thoroughly enjoy the blatant 1950's sexism involved. My favorite two lines:
Mrs. Donder wanted to go along, naturally, but Donder said, "NO, this is man's work."
Yeah, Mrs. Donder! You get your bitch ass in the kitchen and whip up some meringue mushrooms for your man. He'll be home soon enough, and then you can suck his antlers.
But Mrs. Donder blatantly disobeys Donder and goes out. And what happens? She totally gets trapped by the Abominable Snow Monster of the North. See what happens when you don't listen, missy? You just made man's work that much more difficult! Now Yukon Cornelius has fallen off the cliff!
Well, they were all very sad at the loss of their friend. But they realize that the best thing to do is to get the women back to Christmastown.
No shit. Those women venturing out of the house have stirred up nothing but trouble. When Donder gets you back to Christmastown, he's handcuffing you to the bed. Harlot.
Anyway, my favorite character from Rudolph is, without a doubt, one Yukon Cornelius. Who is Yukon Cornelius?! Pfft. Only THE GREATEST MUTHAPHUCKKIN' PROSPECTOR IN THE NORTH! This is his land! So don't be fuckin' with him!
Last edited by Marlboroman82 (2006-12-07 07:59:07)
