We live in an age of terror, where we fight in wars we don’t belong in and are bombarded by the media with reports of thwarted attacks on our homes. But are we being terrorized by the wrong terrorists?
According to the World Health Organization, nearly 60 000 people die from skin cancer every year. That’s right: sixty thousand people. And who or what is the cause all these skin cancers? War? No. Poverty? Heck no. Al Qaeda? Not likely. The answer, of course, is the sun.
Now most of you will be saying “Well duh – what’re you gonna do about it?” To me, at least, the answer seems clear. In an age where it seems that humankind’s only response to some vague threat seems to be to bomb the shit out of it, it is patently obvious to me fellow members that the time has come for humanity to stand together and literally declare war on the centre of our solar system, in a move that Fox News will ultimately dub…
THE WAR ON SUNLIGHT!
Now when most people think of the sun, this is the type of image that springs to mind: A happy, smiling character that shines down upon us all; provider of light, energy, warmth and good ol’ Vitamin D. Well I’ve got news for you. WE HAVE ALL BEEN MISLED. The true nature of the sun is far more sinister and terrifying.
A lie layed down to us for many generations
It is an ever-present threat, constantly looming over our heads, luring us into a false sense of security whilst secretly plotting our doom. In other words, THE SUN IS EVIL. The sun has been watching us for years, plotting. Waiting. The sun threatens our very freedom. Which
freedom? You tell me. … yes, you’re right. That one. And others. The real reason that they tell us not to look at the sun is not to protect our eyes, but because they know that
if any of us ever looked carefully at it, we would realize that it actually looks more like this:
Yeah…bet you wouldn’t want to run into that on a dark night!
For at least half a decade now, governments around the world have been obsessed with fighting the War on Terror, despite the fact that preventing terrorism by hunting down every potential terrorist is somewhat akin to fighting famine by hunting down every hungry Ethiopian. The sun, on the other hand, is a tangible enemy who, after being defeated, will not be replaced immediately by another gigantic
celestial body.
Now this plan might seem outlandish and just plain crazy to some but the scientific evidence is clearly in our favour. Some left wing activists will surely have something to say on the issue, that we’d be “destroying our most vital energy source”, drawing comparisons with the war in Iraq, blah blah blah. No! We would be sending our troops to the Sun to die to protect our way of life. Besides, intelligence suggests that the Sun does not only contain weapons of mass destruction, but IS a weapon of mass destruction itself. It MUST be stopped. Freedom must live on. And, despite the remote chances of negative repercussions that destroying the sun would have on our solar system, I feel quite certain that preserving our democracy and freedom is worth the price.
Back in reality, though, this little statistic speaks for itself:
Australians killed by terrorism since 1st January 2000 - 104
Australians killed by sunlight since 1st January 2000 - 8500
And it doesn’t stop at skin cancer—do you really think that toxic fuel emissions which deplete the ozone layer are those responsible for Global Warming? That’s what the liberal left wing media would have you believe. Once again, the true culprit is sunlight itself.
It is painfully obvious that all the time and money our government is spending on combating terrorism should instead be invested into the development of nuclear weapons powerful enough to blow up the sun. The time to act is now. Our very way of life is under threat. If we remain apathetic, the seas will rise up and engulf even the highest mountains, and those of us that survive will be stuck in a post apocalyptic Water world – doomed to early graves thanks to the ever-present threat of malignant melanomas and a desperate shortage of sunscreen and long-sleeved t-shirts.
According to the World Health Organization, nearly 60 000 people die from skin cancer every year. That’s right: sixty thousand people. And who or what is the cause all these skin cancers? War? No. Poverty? Heck no. Al Qaeda? Not likely. The answer, of course, is the sun.
Now most of you will be saying “Well duh – what’re you gonna do about it?” To me, at least, the answer seems clear. In an age where it seems that humankind’s only response to some vague threat seems to be to bomb the shit out of it, it is patently obvious to me fellow members that the time has come for humanity to stand together and literally declare war on the centre of our solar system, in a move that Fox News will ultimately dub…
THE WAR ON SUNLIGHT!
Now when most people think of the sun, this is the type of image that springs to mind: A happy, smiling character that shines down upon us all; provider of light, energy, warmth and good ol’ Vitamin D. Well I’ve got news for you. WE HAVE ALL BEEN MISLED. The true nature of the sun is far more sinister and terrifying.
A lie layed down to us for many generations
It is an ever-present threat, constantly looming over our heads, luring us into a false sense of security whilst secretly plotting our doom. In other words, THE SUN IS EVIL. The sun has been watching us for years, plotting. Waiting. The sun threatens our very freedom. Which
freedom? You tell me. … yes, you’re right. That one. And others. The real reason that they tell us not to look at the sun is not to protect our eyes, but because they know that
if any of us ever looked carefully at it, we would realize that it actually looks more like this:
Yeah…bet you wouldn’t want to run into that on a dark night!
For at least half a decade now, governments around the world have been obsessed with fighting the War on Terror, despite the fact that preventing terrorism by hunting down every potential terrorist is somewhat akin to fighting famine by hunting down every hungry Ethiopian. The sun, on the other hand, is a tangible enemy who, after being defeated, will not be replaced immediately by another gigantic
celestial body.
Now this plan might seem outlandish and just plain crazy to some but the scientific evidence is clearly in our favour. Some left wing activists will surely have something to say on the issue, that we’d be “destroying our most vital energy source”, drawing comparisons with the war in Iraq, blah blah blah. No! We would be sending our troops to the Sun to die to protect our way of life. Besides, intelligence suggests that the Sun does not only contain weapons of mass destruction, but IS a weapon of mass destruction itself. It MUST be stopped. Freedom must live on. And, despite the remote chances of negative repercussions that destroying the sun would have on our solar system, I feel quite certain that preserving our democracy and freedom is worth the price.
Back in reality, though, this little statistic speaks for itself:
Australians killed by terrorism since 1st January 2000 - 104
Australians killed by sunlight since 1st January 2000 - 8500
And it doesn’t stop at skin cancer—do you really think that toxic fuel emissions which deplete the ozone layer are those responsible for Global Warming? That’s what the liberal left wing media would have you believe. Once again, the true culprit is sunlight itself.
It is painfully obvious that all the time and money our government is spending on combating terrorism should instead be invested into the development of nuclear weapons powerful enough to blow up the sun. The time to act is now. Our very way of life is under threat. If we remain apathetic, the seas will rise up and engulf even the highest mountains, and those of us that survive will be stuck in a post apocalyptic Water world – doomed to early graves thanks to the ever-present threat of malignant melanomas and a desperate shortage of sunscreen and long-sleeved t-shirts.
