Phantom Shit--you don't have to wipe your arse after.
this is fact.It seems my body knows when Im at home because when I step in my house, I sometimes suddenly feel a bronze piece pushing on my ass hole, but never at school.
+1, way funny. That was hilarious.
when i was out on the piss i gad a shit on a zebra crossing in town and i got arrested
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! +1
It's so interesting how many people of human kind are able to walk upon 2 feet, yet they are too dumb to have a proper shit without wasting the whole bathroom. I hate them, and I'm glad you gave those tips.
I, however, prefer just taking some extra-time and looking for the cleanest seat, then covering it with paper and having a good time (on our floor we only have the last 2 grades, so yeah, unless some little kid like to shit up high we've got our own, well-kept chambres).
Oh, and another tip you should add: If you constantly face that splashing problem, try to put some flat layers of toilet paper onto the water - it will swim there for a time and decrease your excremental's falling speed a lot!
I, however, prefer just taking some extra-time and looking for the cleanest seat, then covering it with paper and having a good time (on our floor we only have the last 2 grades, so yeah, unless some little kid like to shit up high we've got our own, well-kept chambres).
Oh, and another tip you should add: If you constantly face that splashing problem, try to put some flat layers of toilet paper onto the water - it will swim there for a time and decrease your excremental's falling speed a lot!
Last edited by Stormscythe (2007-01-28 02:53:17)
I always put a little toilet paper in the bowl before I start, that always takes away the splashes.
Amusing read, +1
edit: Stormscythe beat me to it.
Amusing read, +1
edit: Stormscythe beat me to it.
Last edited by PBAsydney (2007-01-28 03:16:52)
absolutely hilarious m8 toilet humour is rite up an auzzy's arse
champion +1
champion +1
I usually just put some paper in the can before shitting, that prevents splashing.
And if my first turd is huge, I put some more paper in there.
And if my first turd is huge, I put some more paper in there.
lol very funny +1
It's nice to see that we as a community can talk about absolutely everything.
Quite right :p lolFFLink13 wrote:
It's nice to see that we as a community can talk about absolutely everything.
Place some toilet paper down in the water. Cushions the fallDsp-CS- wrote:
yea the hover thing isnt a good idea, because when my shit falls into the toilet the water squirts up my ass, like a mushroom cloud, i call it the nuke
Blackbelts are just whitebelts who have never quit.
i think your ill lol, +1stkhoplite wrote:
I’m tired of having to hold my shit at school. I’ll be holding my dump during class when I feel a turtle-head excavating its way out of my butthole, and rush out of class to set it free. (I am kind of an animal rights activist in that kind of way.) But, when I get to the bathroom, the last thought that crosses my mind is that of letting my butt cheeks touch any surface of this filthy place. There is always shit smeared on the walls, and some creepy ass middle-aged balding dude staring at me partially erect. What, that doesn’t happen at your school? Forget I said anything.
I am here to advise anyone that needs help taking a shit at school. (Unless you’re a girl, because girls don’t take dumps.) I have developed a series of useful techniques that are conducive to taking shits in less than appropriate situations. Before you read this, go eat a heaping bowl of chili and chug a bottle of X-Lax just to get those creative juices flowing. Let the shitting begin!
1. The Hover
Typically unmanned equipment: because shit cleans itself?
You walk into the bathroom, and rush into the nearest stall. Avoid the handicapped stall, because let’s face it, retards take messy dumps. You select a stall only to find that the seat is covered in coarse pubic hair and clumps of diarrhea. Do not panic! There is a solution to this very delicate situation. Pull down your pants, and let your butt cheeks hover 3-4 inches above the toilet seat. If you feel the pubes tickling your butthole, rise up another inch. Poop as you normally would, but use your arms to prop yourself up against the sides of the stall. If successful, you should have cleared your intestines with no ass-to-seat contact and an immense feeling of self-worth. If you slip and let your ass touch the seat, you probably have AIDS. Go see a doctor you sick fuck.
2. The Pinch and Pull
After your arrival to the restroom and a thorough examination of the toilet seats, you find that this bathroom is exceptionally clean, and that you would feel comfortable sitting down. First, find the cleanest, most respectable looking toilet seat in the bathroom. Make sure all trickled urine is wiped clean and prepare yourself mentally. Apply a thick layer of toilet paper to said toilet seat, preferably 3-4 sheets thick. Drop your pants and slowly lower your ass down, being careful not to knock the ass guard of toilet paper off.
So you’ve made it, and feel that spewing shit uncontrollably is completely healthy. Well asshole, you’re fucking wrong. I have, as I am sure you all have, occasionally had toilet water splash up in and around my asshole while I let a log hit the water—a most uncomfortable sensation, unless you're into that sort of thing. Well, I have a technique I find to be most effective that will no doubt save you from this unfavorable situation. Shitting has to be seen as an activity in moderation. When you let a turd slip, cut it off short, around a length of maybe 3-4 inches. This will provide for less splashing. But the key part of this technique is not in the release, but in the actions that follow. Just as the turd leaves your asshole, pull your ass up in the air. The aftermath of water that splashes up from the turd’s impact has no chance of hitting your ass. Repeat this process until you’re finished, readjusting toilet paper as needed.
3. The Scoop and Score
This technique should ONLY be used in dire situations. For example, you have had diarrhea all day and you are watching a film in class about mud harvesting. You sprint out of the classroom, running with your feet pointed inward because you have to hold your butt cheeks together to keep from spewing. But, when you arrive, the bathroom looks like Satan’s den. Every toilet is over-flowing and completely covered in what looks like shit, but you’re not sure because it’s just that fucking bad. There are no doors on the stalls, and the faucets are leaking brown water.
There is only one way to handle a situation like this: I like to call it “the scoop and score.” Stand in the doorway of one of the stalls, pull down your pants and bend over. Grab a roll of toilet paper and wrap your hand in it thoroughly. Close you eyes, reach around your ass, and let that shit roll. As it comes out, heave it into the toilet. 2 points!
And there you have it, a few techniques to help you in your shitting adventures. I pray that you never have to experience the Scoop and Score, but let it be known that I use the other two on a regular basis with much success. Happy shitting!
Haha some funny shit
I think Pollux may have made a diagram for "The Hover".
The main problem is if you do sit down you need to slide far back leaving only a small gap at the rear in case your cock touches the front of the bottom of the bowl. That is the worst thing ever.
Although I never went in my school bogs. Take a shit before you leave is my motto.
Although I never went in my school bogs. Take a shit before you leave is my motto.
Last edited by Vilham (2007-01-28 08:53:08)
I very very rarely shit at school, or in public. I know the chance of getting sick or something is low, but I just don't trust my ass and gun near that stuff. The ones at my school are generally clean, although the locker room ones are just... bleh. I still don't like the ones at school, because:
1) Other people have touched it
2) One day I went in to piss *using the urinal* and smelled an awful stench. I peek through one of the toilet doors and, sure enough, there's a bunch of diarrhea in the bowl and some shit smeared on the rim and floor. Oh god.
3) The toilet paper is that 2 cent, 1-ply, made-from-steel stuff that kind of scratches your bum.
1) Other people have touched it
2) One day I went in to piss *using the urinal* and smelled an awful stench. I peek through one of the toilet doors and, sure enough, there's a bunch of diarrhea in the bowl and some shit smeared on the rim and floor. Oh god.
3) The toilet paper is that 2 cent, 1-ply, made-from-steel stuff that kind of scratches your bum.
your gun lmao
Lift a cheek and sneak one
Yeah, like this stuff:Hurricane wrote:
3) The toilet paper is that 2 cent, 1-ply, made-from-steel stuff that kind of scratches your bum.
It is a tradition in my old unit (usmc) to take a dump somewhere in your buddies room somewhere when you get out of the Corps. It is called hiding a Duke. I took my buddies pillow and cut it open, shit in it, sewed it back up, put it back in the pillow case and then told him I hide a Duke. The poor guy searched his barracks room for hours and gave up thinking I was kidding. When he went to sleep he found it. +1 for me.
Malloy must go
lmao, Last time i took a dump in school was november first 05 Never again, some kid thinks its funny to pee allover the floor at my school and others to not flush the toilet after theyve dropped a massive log.
Um... This thread is defanitly in my top ten of the most random threads eva.
I'm not sure whats scarier - The fact that someone would write up a report on how to defecate at school, or that those who read it are giving postive feedback and telling their own shit-at-school stories......