Anyone Can be a useless commander, but it takes a dedicated soul with a healthy loathing for society to be a truly bad commander. Some people just blast the nearest teammate when they get mad, but why kill one teammate when you could just as easily wreck your entire team and get points while doing it? This is why i present these easy to follow tips on how screw up your team.
1. Arty your own troops on a regular basis. This has quite a few benefits, for instance:
a. Artying a group of teammates will keep them on their toes and motivate them to run faster.
b. A good commander can place arty where he thinks an enemy group will be when it hits, so you can use your teammates for practicing this technique.
2. Use the UAV out in the middle of the ocean to check for enemy dolphins or sunken treasure.
3. If someone asks for a car, drop supplies and visa versa. It's not your fault that the symbols are the same on the map. Or you can take this one step further and always give them something other than what they request. Arty sends the strongest message.
4. If your team starts to lose (and they should), immediately rush the front lines. Your presence will rally the troops to fight along side you. The less of a plan the better, just throw yourself at the enemy. It worked for General George Custer.
5. General Patton didn't want any cowards in his army, and neither should you. If you find anyone sniping from a safe distance away, be like Patton and slap them...with your knife. The great thing is that you, unlike Patton, wont get in trouble for this. Be sure to say "I will not have cowards in my army" over the chat.
6. Always command in vehicles. In the movie, Patton is almost always in his jeep with the stars on it. Hey! When you get in a jeep a star appears too! Coincidence? I think not.
7. VOIP. Use it. If used correctly it can be more effective than all the other tips combined. There are literally hundreds of ways to abuse VOIP, but here are a few examples:
a. VOIP Jukebox - Plug your Ipod into your mic port and have your own personal jukebox on VOIP. More effective if you have anything by Tiny Tim or Sonny and Cher. (variation-VOIP karaoke)
b. Ye Olde General - Pretend you're from the 1700-1800's. Request outdated tactics. "BAYONET CHARGE!!!!"
c. Soundboard commander - Nothing more wacky than being commanded by Napoleon Dynamite or Borat, so use their respective online soundboards to command over VOIP. (Variation-Use microsoft text to speech and pretend you are Stephen Hawking)
d. VOIP Jeopardy - Self explanatory. You're Alex Trebek.
e. Jehovah’s witness - Bible thump over VOIP. Quote scripture. Exorcise the demons from the server.
If you do this correctly your squad leaders should hit their mute buttons. Then you can start giving useful information and orders over VOIP now that noone is listening. Then at the end of the round you can blame the loss on the squad leaders for not listening to you.
8. (OMG NEW!) If a good commander can guess where an enemy squad is going to be in 5-7 seconds, then a better commander should be able to guess where the enemy will be in 10 minutes. Since arty doesn't have a 10 minute delay, the only useful thing you can do is spot. Spot enemies not where they are now, but where you think they will be in 5-10 minutes. This will help your squad leaders think ahead.
9. If you follow all these rules people are going to try to mutiny. Even though you will never get overthrown, you shouldn't let treasonous people like that walk away. Exclaim "(Mutiny starter's name here) I find you guilty of attempted mutiny and treason, for which the penalty is death in the name of the glorious USA/MEC/PLA" and proceed to gun him down repeatedly.
10. (OMG NEW!) Unfortunately many of my tips fall apart if there is no ff. This can be remedied. If you find an oblivious sniper put 3-4 C4 packs under him and he will probably be too surprised to open his parachute. Other teammates you may just have to run over or drop cars on them. Or you could go an entirely different route and give constant updates over the chat about your teammates positions.
There you have it. 10 simple rules to become the worst leader since King Louis XVI. The great thing is that if your rank is high enough, there's nothing anyone can do short of kicking you to stop you from doing it again next round! And you still get points for it!
Edit: I speka guud grammer
Added #7 & #9 & 8e
1. Arty your own troops on a regular basis. This has quite a few benefits, for instance:
a. Artying a group of teammates will keep them on their toes and motivate them to run faster.
b. A good commander can place arty where he thinks an enemy group will be when it hits, so you can use your teammates for practicing this technique.
2. Use the UAV out in the middle of the ocean to check for enemy dolphins or sunken treasure.
3. If someone asks for a car, drop supplies and visa versa. It's not your fault that the symbols are the same on the map. Or you can take this one step further and always give them something other than what they request. Arty sends the strongest message.
4. If your team starts to lose (and they should), immediately rush the front lines. Your presence will rally the troops to fight along side you. The less of a plan the better, just throw yourself at the enemy. It worked for General George Custer.
5. General Patton didn't want any cowards in his army, and neither should you. If you find anyone sniping from a safe distance away, be like Patton and slap them...with your knife. The great thing is that you, unlike Patton, wont get in trouble for this. Be sure to say "I will not have cowards in my army" over the chat.
6. Always command in vehicles. In the movie, Patton is almost always in his jeep with the stars on it. Hey! When you get in a jeep a star appears too! Coincidence? I think not.
7. VOIP. Use it. If used correctly it can be more effective than all the other tips combined. There are literally hundreds of ways to abuse VOIP, but here are a few examples:
a. VOIP Jukebox - Plug your Ipod into your mic port and have your own personal jukebox on VOIP. More effective if you have anything by Tiny Tim or Sonny and Cher. (variation-VOIP karaoke)
b. Ye Olde General - Pretend you're from the 1700-1800's. Request outdated tactics. "BAYONET CHARGE!!!!"
c. Soundboard commander - Nothing more wacky than being commanded by Napoleon Dynamite or Borat, so use their respective online soundboards to command over VOIP. (Variation-Use microsoft text to speech and pretend you are Stephen Hawking)
d. VOIP Jeopardy - Self explanatory. You're Alex Trebek.
e. Jehovah’s witness - Bible thump over VOIP. Quote scripture. Exorcise the demons from the server.
If you do this correctly your squad leaders should hit their mute buttons. Then you can start giving useful information and orders over VOIP now that noone is listening. Then at the end of the round you can blame the loss on the squad leaders for not listening to you.
8. (OMG NEW!) If a good commander can guess where an enemy squad is going to be in 5-7 seconds, then a better commander should be able to guess where the enemy will be in 10 minutes. Since arty doesn't have a 10 minute delay, the only useful thing you can do is spot. Spot enemies not where they are now, but where you think they will be in 5-10 minutes. This will help your squad leaders think ahead.
9. If you follow all these rules people are going to try to mutiny. Even though you will never get overthrown, you shouldn't let treasonous people like that walk away. Exclaim "(Mutiny starter's name here) I find you guilty of attempted mutiny and treason, for which the penalty is death in the name of the glorious USA/MEC/PLA" and proceed to gun him down repeatedly.
10. (OMG NEW!) Unfortunately many of my tips fall apart if there is no ff. This can be remedied. If you find an oblivious sniper put 3-4 C4 packs under him and he will probably be too surprised to open his parachute. Other teammates you may just have to run over or drop cars on them. Or you could go an entirely different route and give constant updates over the chat about your teammates positions.
There you have it. 10 simple rules to become the worst leader since King Louis XVI. The great thing is that if your rank is high enough, there's nothing anyone can do short of kicking you to stop you from doing it again next round! And you still get points for it!
Edit: I speka guud grammer
Added #7 & #9 & 8e
Last edited by .robzored. (2007-04-16 17:07:48)
