is this sentence correct?

2009-09-17 14:12:51

#26

Brasso: member; +1,549|7050

KEN-JENNINGS wrote:
haffeysucks wrote:
_______ is the place where I felt most at home at during my college visits. Despite its huge population, there is always a thriving community of similarly-minded students, no matter what one is interested in. In attending _______, I will be able to propel other students, as well as myself, into the professional world with all the proficiency needed.

better?
Don't try to suck up to the uni staff. Realize that there is a human being reading your entrance essay. Use real examples and your true ideas instead of some canned response that comes across as you suckling the uni's balls. In your example you could literally insert 4 different schools and send virtually the same letter to all four...you think that goes over well?

well yeah, i used my own experiences and thoughts, but i have to end it somehow...

ghettoperson wrote:
haffeysucks wrote:
ghettoperson wrote:

That last sentence is complete shit.
it's easier to disprove than to prove

_{why dont YOU suggest a better ending sentence?}
Did you read the last sentence? It doesn't make any sense. It sounds like you pulled out a dictionary, looked up a few fancy sounding words and threw them in a sentence, with only a vague idea of what they mean/how they should be used.

better yet, i WROTE the last sentence. propel? professional? proficiency? if you think i pulled those out of a dictionary, you need to stop reading comic books. how are they used wrongly? "i will be able to push blah blah blah with all the skills needed."

"people in ny have a general idea of how to drive. one of the pedals goes forward the other one prevents you from dying"

2009-09-17 14:21:20

#27

Shimakaze: Through the valley of the shadow of death...; +6|5768|Vancouver, Canada

haffeysucks wrote:
In attending _______, I will be able to propel other students, as well as myself, into the professional world with all the proficiency needed.

I know you're not looking for criticism on your ideas, but just out of curiosity...how are you going to help other students acquire the proficiency required for the professional world?

2009-09-17 14:25:16

#28

ghettoperson: Member; +1,943|7069

I'm trying to make a point. I don't care if you don't believe me, you're the one that's not going to get into college, not me.

In terms of correct English, "into the professional world with all the proficiency needed" is not how you would phrase what you're trying to say. It's far too awkward.
In terms of the content, it looks like you're just trying to make yourself look good - which is the point of the personal statement - but then by not doing anything. A better way of doing it would be to say that you want to join a certain club and run for election, and so you could help people like that. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get the idea of what I mean.

2009-09-17 14:25:29

#29

Pochsy: Artifice of Eternity; +702|5962|Toronto

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Universities understand the idea of being around other educated people to share ideas, so they'll assume he means he's intelligent enough to stimulate conversation and debate on matters guided by the prof; not teach people directly.

EDIT- Ghetto has it right. Use specific instances in which you would like to contribute to the student body instead of being like all the rest and relying on what I've said above.

Last edited by Pochsy (2009-09-17 14:27:08)

The shape of an eye in front of the ocean, digging for stones and throwing them against its window pane. Take it down dreamer, take it down deep. - Other Families

2009-09-17 14:28:26

#30

Ty: Mass Media Casualty; +2,398|7194|Noizyland

College application letters, they're always hilarious.

"I can change the world, I can help my fellow students, I will use my degree to explore the ideas of blah blah blah blah blah." No you won't! You'll sleep in lectures, write essays the night before they're due, sit at the back of tutorials hoping no-one will ask you anything or even look at you, buy your textbooks only to return term in a completely un-read state after your paper's over and get copiously drunk the night before your exams.

[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon

2009-09-17 14:33:09

#31

Shimakaze: Through the valley of the shadow of death...; +6|5768|Vancouver, Canada

Ty wrote:
College application letters, they're always hilarious.

"I can change the world, I can help my fellow students, I will use my degree to explore the ideas of blah blah blah blah blah." No you won't! You'll sleep in lectures, write essays the night before they're due, sit at the back of tutorials hoping no-one will ask you anything or even look at you, buy your textbooks only to return term in a completely un-read state after your paper's over and get copiously drunk the night before your exams.

Haha, so true...You nailed it exactly. I still have most of my textbooks from my uni days in mint condition collecting dust.

2009-09-17 15:06:21

#32

Brasso: member; +1,549|7050

Pochsy wrote:
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Universities understand the idea of being around other educated people to share ideas, so they'll assume he means he's intelligent enough to stimulate conversation and debate on matters guided by the prof; not teach people directly.

EDIT- Ghetto has it right. Use specific instances in which you would like to contribute to the student body instead of being like all the rest and relying on what I've said above.

ghettoperson wrote:
I'm trying to make a point. I don't care if you don't believe me, you're the one that's not going to get into college, not me.

In terms of correct English, "into the professional world with all the proficiency needed" is not how you would phrase what you're trying to say. It's far too awkward.
In terms of the content, it looks like you're just trying to make yourself look good - which is the point of the personal statement - but then by not doing anything. A better way of doing it would be to say that you want to join a certain club and run for election, and so you could help people like that. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get the idea of what I mean.

yeah, i understand you now. i'll have to think of specific examples of what i want to do.

"people in ny have a general idea of how to drive. one of the pedals goes forward the other one prevents you from dying"

2009-09-17 16:42:51

#33

GodFather: Blademaster's bottom bitch; +387|6639|Phoenix, AZ

Lol the Chinese are good at math, not so great with words...

/joke

I wish you luck Haffey

2009-09-17 16:50:58

#34

Dilbert_X: The X stands for; +1,822|6525|eXtreme to the maX

"I believe that my generosity will help the university and I me achieve many great things."

You wouldn't say "I believe that my generosity will help I achieve many great things."

Fuck Israel

2009-09-17 17:55:01

#35

Pochsy: Artifice of Eternity; +702|5962|Toronto

Dilbert_X wrote:
"I believe that my generosity will help the university and I me achieve many great things."

You wouldn't say "I believe that my generosity will help I achieve many great things."

"I" at the beginning of the sentence makes it reflexive, meaning "myself" is to be used.

EDIT- I'm not a grammar Nazi but this is an application to university, so I'll contribute where I can.

Last edited by Pochsy (2009-09-17 17:56:24)

The shape of an eye in front of the ocean, digging for stones and throwing them against its window pane. Take it down dreamer, take it down deep. - Other Families

2009-09-17 18:23:34

#36

Dilbert_X: The X stands for; +1,822|6525|eXtreme to the maX

"I believe I will help myself" Tick
"I believe my generosity will help me" Think so
"I believe my generosity will help myself" Not too sure TBH, think its wrong though.

Fuck Israel

2009-09-17 18:28:58

#37

Pochsy: Artifice of Eternity; +702|5962|Toronto

Dilbert_X wrote:
"I believe I will help myself" Tick
"I believe my generosity will help me" Think so
"I believe my generosity will help myself" Not too sure TBH, think its wrong though.

I believe (again I'm not a grammar buff) that when you are the subject and object, as in this case, myself is to be used.

I think that's it anyways. I'm going on what I remember from grade 6 here, so I could be wrong as well.

The shape of an eye in front of the ocean, digging for stones and throwing them against its window pane. Take it down dreamer, take it down deep. - Other Families

2009-09-17 18:37:19

#38

Bevo: Nah; +718|6940|Austin, Texas

I didn't really sort through the above, but I believe if you remove the first clause the sentence should still make sense.

2009-09-17 18:46:29

#39

Aries_37: arrivederci frog; +368|6994|London

jeez no offence but what a clusterfuck.

What uni are you applying for? Unless it's insanely hard to get into I would recommend not trying so hard. You can sound smart and sell yourself without sounding like an asshat. Don't use vocabulary you are uncomfortable with because it's just gonna make the admissions officer cringe.

The whole thing about propelling with proficiency or whatever is not only worded terribly but the message you are trying to get across is kinda laughable. Really? Will your mere presence cause everyone around you to be equipped for the rest of their professional lives? Unless you are the messiah-come-again I would tone it down a notch bro. You can talk about one or two specific skills like leadership, motivation, teamworking, networking etc.

2009-09-17 18:50:15

#40

AussieReaper: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°); +5,761|6572|what

Aries_37 wrote:
What uni are you applying for? Unless it's insanely hard to get into I would recommend not trying so hard. You can sound smart and sell yourself without sounding like an asshat. Don't use vocabulary you are uncomfortable with because it's just gonna make the admissions officer cringe.

Also when/if you get interviewed they will expect you to use that language again.

2009-09-17 19:53:48

#41

Ty: Mass Media Casualty; +2,398|7194|Noizyland

With this application as well as most others, you need to make sure that your application letter stands out. I mean every twat and his dog is writing about how he believes he can do this for the students and how he's going to use his degree for doing great things etc. etc., the guys reading this have to plow through hundreds of these to find the one that doen't suck quite as much as the others. Do something different. Do something completely innapropriate. Believe me, even if you don't get in you'll still make somone's day a Hell of a lot better.

Best thing to do is actually be honest. Don't make promises about how you're going to support your fellow students and read to sick children on weekends if you're not going to do it. Especially don't write like a pretentious prick, just write like you.

[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon

2009-09-17 22:54:26

#42

Jenspm: penis; +1,716|7152|St. Andrews / Oslo

ghettoperson wrote:
Red Forman wrote:
"I am getting raped for an overpriced piece of paper that the elite say I need."
An article I read in the Economist the other week says graduates earn something like 40% more. Suck on that.

hehe, did you expect anything else from The Economist?

https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/26774/flickricon.png

2009-09-17 22:57:29

#43

Defiance: Member; +438|7090

ghettoperson wrote:
haffeysucks wrote:
ghettoperson wrote:

That last sentence is complete shit.
it's easier to disprove than to prove

_{why dont YOU suggest a better ending sentence?}
Did you read the last sentence? It doesn't make any sense. It sounds like you pulled out a dictionary, looked up a few fancy sounding words and threw them in a sentence, with only a vague idea of what they mean/how they should be used.

So, do you have a suggestion or are you going to whine?

BF2S Forums is this sentence correct?

KEN-JENNINGS wrote:

haffeysucks wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

haffeysucks wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

haffeysucks wrote:

Ty wrote:

Pochsy wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

Dilbert_X wrote:

Dilbert_X wrote:

Aries_37 wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

Red Forman wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

haffeysucks wrote:

ghettoperson wrote:

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