Where to begin. On my clan forum was a 7 page thread of jokes, some were "offensive" so I'll leave the majority of them out but I'll put in one from each catagory so you get the idea. They're pretty funny though. Some of them are also long, so each joke will be in a quote.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says....
"Feck..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!"
A Faroesian walked into a bar and sat down at the bar, where a news report was on TV. On the news a man was on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who'd seen the news report before said, "I'll bet you $500 FIK he's going to jump." The Faroesian took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Then the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $500 FIK bill but then, realizing that he'd taken advantage of a poor, dumb Faroesian, his conscience got the better of him and he said, "Look, I'm going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before." "That's O.K.," said the Faroesian, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think he was gonna do it again!"
A american couple were sitting in a bar, a french guy was sitting at the same table... then all of the sudden the husband asked the french:
-Do you like dumb women?
-No
-Do you like women that drink?
-No
-Do you like women that don't know how to cook?
-No
-WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING OUT WITH MY WIFE THEN???
-Hey Suzie, where have you been?
-iv'e been at the Beuty specilist...
-closed huh?
how old are you Ben?
6 years old, but my mom said i would have been 8 if my dad wasn't so shy
A guy came drunk as hell out of the bar and smacked right into a woman... immediatly she smacked him in the face "HOLY SHIT" he said... "GODDAMN I GOT HOME FAST"!!!!
A mother was standing in the kitchn and could from there hear her son playing with toy trains in the living room. she noticed that the train stopped and heard the boy say: "All you dumb fucks that are to get of now better get the fuck of the train, and to all the sonsabitches that are getting on get your asses moving we have to keep moving you dumb fucks". The chocked mother ran into the living room and said: " we dont use that kind of language in this house! as penalty you are grounded to for two hours in your room. after that you can play with your train again if you behave good and dont talk dirty!"
Two hours later the boy is playing with the train again. the train stoppes and she hears her son say: "Atention all passengers that are now leaving us, i want to say thank you for traveling with us, and remember your luggage. we hope you had a pleasant trip". she heard the boy continue: "for our new passengers i'd like to wish you all welcome aboard, we will do everything possible for you to have a pleasant and safe trip. Please find a seat before departure"
The mother smiled proudly when she heard the boy continue: "And if any of you assholes are mad about the fact that we are two hours late go and complain to the fat bitch in the kitchen...!"
outside of the spermbank is a sign that says, thanks for coming...
Two gay guys were fucking in the park at night. it was as dark as the grave and they say to eachother
- "I love you."
- "I love you too."
- "Your amazing."
- "So are you."
- "Let us always meet back here again."
- "Yes, Every day, i Live in New York."
- "Unbelievable... so do i on main street."
- "Thats not possible... so do i...?!"
- "Nick?"
- "DAD?!"
one bright day in the middle of night,
two dead boys got up to fight,
back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other,
one deaf cop who heard the noise,
came and killed the two dead boys...
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
A boy walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter.
The Pharmacist ask: "how can i help you?"
The Boy Replied: "I want to buy a pack of condoms... you know what? make it two packs im really gonna give it to her tonight "
The Same evening the boy is sitting by the table at his Girlfriends house and her parents's. they say their grace but the boy is sitting with his face all down in his hands.
The Girlfriend said: "I didn't know you were so religios?"
the boy replied: "Well i didnt know your father was a pharmacist"
The Army had recently found out that they have to many Generals and have therefor offered them a "SWEET" deal.
They have promised every General who retires right away: a years salary plus $10.000 for each inch meassured in a straight line from two points on the generals body of his choice.
The First General Accepted. He said that he wanted to be meassured from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. 72 inches. he retired with $720000 plus a years salary
The next General said, that he wanted to be meassured from the tip of his toes to the tips of his fingertips on his streched arms. 92 inches. He retired with $920000 plus a years salary
The third General wanted to be meassured from the tip of his penis to his testicles. The doctor put the meassuring tape on the tip of his penis and started meassuering, but then he said
"OH MY GOD, where are your testicles?"
The General answered: "In Vietnam!"
On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After finishing breakfast, the girl takes him up to the bedroom where they go at it for a couple of hours. Afterward she gets dressed and hands the mailman $2.
“Jeez,” says the mailman, “this is great, but what’s with the two dollars?”
“Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘Fuck him—give him a couple of bucks.’ The breakfast was all my idea.”
I'm very sorry for the next joke, but it can be true and I'm sure many people here can relate...
Q: Why do women get their belly buttons peirced?
A: Because its a great place to hang an air-freshner
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your snatch."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him."
His mother replies with, "Oh,..well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."
The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he staryted gettin horny and wanted sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused and started running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three blonde bitches with nice-ass TITTIES sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished all three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you ?"
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel for me please?"
A young boy comes home from school and his mother says "What did you do today?"
To which the boy says "Oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say. She steams and stammers and finally she angrily says "Go in and tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father and says "Gee mom sure is mad."
The father says "Why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He give his son a nudge and a wink and says "Congratulations - you passed a milestone. I'll tell you what, let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
The boy says - "The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike a few days - my ass is killing me."
I also appoligize for the next series of jokes, but they are quality.
What part of a Vegstable can't you eat?
The wheelchair!
.....oh yes its time for.....
Disabled Jokes!
Q: Whats better than winning gold in the paralympics? (Special olympics)
A: Having arms and legs!
Q: Whats the definition of tight?
A: tying a bomb to a man in a wheelchair and screaming "RUN!"
Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms
One day on the beach there was a guy in a wheelchair, he had no arms or legs, and he had the most depressing look on his face.
A girl happens to walk by, and the guys bursts into tears. "my dear, whats wrong?" she asked
"Well", the guy sniffed "I've never been hugged"
"Aww thats terrible" so she gave him a warm hug and went on her way.
Later on the guy is still there and the momentary happiness had left him. Another girl walks past and he yet again bursts into tears. "oh my, what ever is the matter?"
"Well" the guy sniffed "I've never been kissed"
"Well" she kissed him "there we go, and she smiled and went on her way.
Alot later on the guy is still there and the happiness had once again left him. Another girl walks past and he again bursts into tears
"ah, whats the problem?" she asked
"Well" the guy sniffed "I've never been fucked" There was a short silence while the girl thought. Then she wheeled his chair down to a secluded part of the beach and pointed out to sea
"Well, ya fucked now the tides comin' in!" and she walked off on her way.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms, legs, floating out at sea
A: Bob!
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A: Throw your dirty washing in!
Q: Why don't the blind go parachuting?
A: It scares the fuck out of the guide dog!
Q: What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: quadriplegic after a house fire!
Q: What do you get if an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
A:Seizure salad!
And my personal favorite ....
A little girl asked her mum, ”Mummy, why did you name me petal?
Her Mum replied, "Because when you were born a petal landed on your head"
Hearing this the little boy asked "so, why did you call me fly?"
She simply answered with a warm smile ”Because when you were born a fly landed on your head.
Her second son came up to her and asked "Ahhroough? ahhya bigacha dige? waaaah?"
She shouted "Shut the fuck up Fridge!"
-"my mother in law is an angel"
-"you're lucky, mines still alive"
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”
“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”
The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” says the American.
“Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“‘Don’t stop.’”
A few of these were done by 5peedy (Gun-Life as we know him) of BF2s.
But the offensive ones werent, so don't get mad at him. Leave it to the brits
Dear god MiG is fucked up...
Last edited by Defiance (2006-07-06 12:48:29)