Pet Rules
>> To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>>
>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
> other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
> print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
> in the slightest.
>>
>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
>>Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
> because I fall faster than you can run.
>>
>>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
> they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
> end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>>
>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
> paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
> the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
> years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
>>
>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
> I cannot stress this enough!
>>
>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
>>our
> front door:
>>
>>
>>------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>>
>>1. They live here. You don't.
>>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
>>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
>>who
> is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>>
>>Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>>
>>1. Eat less
>>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>>3 Are easier to train (except: Terriers and Shih Tsu's) 4. Normally
>>come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with
>>drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the
>>latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a
>>million dollars for college, and...
>>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
the PAL diet
I was in Coles New World buying a large bag of Pal for my Corgi and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, and not at all like me, I told her that no, I was
starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is you load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food however is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall
guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that
why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
POST THEM UP
>> To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>>
>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
> other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
> print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
> in the slightest.
>>
>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
>>Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
> because I fall faster than you can run.
>>
>>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
> they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
> end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>>
>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
> paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
> the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
> years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
>>
>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
> I cannot stress this enough!
>>
>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
>>our
> front door:
>>
>>
>>------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>>
>>1. They live here. You don't.
>>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
>>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
>>who
> is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>>
>>Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>>
>>1. Eat less
>>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>>3 Are easier to train (except: Terriers and Shih Tsu's) 4. Normally
>>come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with
>>drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the
>>latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a
>>million dollars for college, and...
>>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
the PAL diet
I was in Coles New World buying a large bag of Pal for my Corgi and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, and not at all like me, I told her that no, I was
starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works is you load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food however is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall
guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that
why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street
licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
POST THEM UP
Last edited by _-_911_-_180891 (2006-09-27 15:42:20)