These are the jokes of the 1st BF2s Joke Contest. Read them and vote for the one you like the most. The poll will be opened for two days from now. The winner and the other 9 jokes will be posted in the Best best joke thread.
The Magic Mullet
A duck walks into a bar, approaches the barman and says "Got any bread?"
Barman says "No"
The duck looks at him again........"Got any bread?"
Barman again says "No"
The duck looks around, and asks again......"Got any bread?"
Clearly infuriated, the barman shouts "NO. NO BASTARD BREAD"
The duck again says "Got any b-"
The barman jumps up and shouts "LOOK, IF YOU ASK ME FOR ANY BASTARD BREAD ONCE MORE I'LL NAIL YOUR BASTARD BEAK TO THE BAR."
The duck, unaffected approaches again and asks...."Got any nails?"
Barman says "no"
Duck says "Oh................... Got any bread?"
Jinto-sk
It's Bob's last day as a postman after 50 years of doing the same round.
At the first house he is greeted by the owner and given a bottle of Champagne and a pat on the back
At the second house he is greeted and given a box of Cuban cigars and many thanks
At the third house he is given a Cheque for £100 and an engraved lighter
At the forth house he is greeted by a 21 year old blonde goddess dressed in lingerie, she takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she gives him the best shag of his life, she then leads him down to the kitchen and tells him to take a seat while she makes him breakfast. While the babe is making breakfast Bob can't help but notice £2 next to his coffee mug. so he asks the girl "what's this £2 for?" and the woman replies "well I was talking to my husband last night and said It's the postman's last day tomorrow what shall we get him"
My husband said "Fuck him just give him £2". "BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA".
1927
King Arthur has to go away from his Castle and fight a war in a land far far away. He's worried that his beautiful Virgin daughter will be led down the wicked path by one of his trusted knights left behind to defend the castle.
He calls for Merlin who makes all the gadgets the King could ever need. He tells Merlin his worries and Merlin tells him to "Come and see me tommorow I have just the thing in mind".
The King arrives at Merlins workshops the next day, knocks and enters. In front of the King lies a gleaming, silver polished belt with a guillotine mechanism in the crotch area. The puzzled King asks "Good God Merlin, what the hell is that"? Merlins replies "Allow me to demonstrate King Arthur". Merlin pulls a carrot from his pocket and inserts into the crotch area of the belt. Within a split second WHOOOOOOSH, the blade falls down and cuts the carrot in half. "Excellent" cried the King, "That'll stop any red blooded male sowing his oats with my beautiful virgin daughter".
The next morning King Arthur leaves the castle on his crusade to a land far, far away.
A few months pass and then the victorious King returns to his castle and a hero's welcome from his people. That very day he calls for all his trusted Knights to stand in an inspection parade. He lines them up and orders them to drop there trousers. He walks past each one individually, looks down and inspects to see if they have fallen victim to the device which painfully cut the carrot in two.
He looks at the first knight, looks him in the eye, looks down and too his horror notices half of a penis stump. "Take this man away" he yells, "I trusted you and you have failed me". The guards move in and take the untrusting Knight to the dungeons kicking and screaming. The next Kinght in the queue is waiting nervously, again same result. "take him away". This carries on down the queue until the King reaches the very last knight left for inspection. The King looks him in the eye, looks down and to his delight see's a full 7" of flesh left remaining.
"Hurray" cries the King, "I knew I could trust you". "You may have half my kingdom and my daughters hand in marrage, I knew I could trust you".
"Mank bu berry muff" muffled the knight. "Gerry kund og bu gir".
WilhelmSissener
What do women and public toilets have in common?
All the good ones are busy, and the rest are full of shit.
Jenspm
What is Sweden's most famous invention?
The Inflatable Dart Board!
DonFck
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath.
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
joker3327
A man in a Mask bursts into the sperm bank with a Gun " open the goddam safe" he shouts to the manageress....he then says ..."take out a sample" " drink it"....she gulps it down....... the man takes of his mask...its her boyfriend......he says " See, not the bloody difficult, is it ?"
[RFW]Xenomorph
"One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!"
CameronPoe
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing... they were both stuck-up cunts.
Sarrk
"So, theres a farmer and he goes to talk to his ducks, he goes to the first one, "Whats your name and what have you been doing today?" The duck replies "My name's quack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day"
The farmer nods and moves on to the second duck, he asks the same question, this one says "My name's Jack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day!"
The farmer goes on his way to the third duck, which replies to the question, "My name's puddles..."
The Magic Mullet
A duck walks into a bar, approaches the barman and says "Got any bread?"
Barman says "No"
The duck looks at him again........"Got any bread?"
Barman again says "No"
The duck looks around, and asks again......"Got any bread?"
Clearly infuriated, the barman shouts "NO. NO BASTARD BREAD"
The duck again says "Got any b-"
The barman jumps up and shouts "LOOK, IF YOU ASK ME FOR ANY BASTARD BREAD ONCE MORE I'LL NAIL YOUR BASTARD BEAK TO THE BAR."
The duck, unaffected approaches again and asks...."Got any nails?"
Barman says "no"
Duck says "Oh................... Got any bread?"
Jinto-sk
It's Bob's last day as a postman after 50 years of doing the same round.
At the first house he is greeted by the owner and given a bottle of Champagne and a pat on the back
At the second house he is greeted and given a box of Cuban cigars and many thanks
At the third house he is given a Cheque for £100 and an engraved lighter
At the forth house he is greeted by a 21 year old blonde goddess dressed in lingerie, she takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she gives him the best shag of his life, she then leads him down to the kitchen and tells him to take a seat while she makes him breakfast. While the babe is making breakfast Bob can't help but notice £2 next to his coffee mug. so he asks the girl "what's this £2 for?" and the woman replies "well I was talking to my husband last night and said It's the postman's last day tomorrow what shall we get him"
My husband said "Fuck him just give him £2". "BREAKFAST WAS MY IDEA".
1927
King Arthur has to go away from his Castle and fight a war in a land far far away. He's worried that his beautiful Virgin daughter will be led down the wicked path by one of his trusted knights left behind to defend the castle.
He calls for Merlin who makes all the gadgets the King could ever need. He tells Merlin his worries and Merlin tells him to "Come and see me tommorow I have just the thing in mind".
The King arrives at Merlins workshops the next day, knocks and enters. In front of the King lies a gleaming, silver polished belt with a guillotine mechanism in the crotch area. The puzzled King asks "Good God Merlin, what the hell is that"? Merlins replies "Allow me to demonstrate King Arthur". Merlin pulls a carrot from his pocket and inserts into the crotch area of the belt. Within a split second WHOOOOOOSH, the blade falls down and cuts the carrot in half. "Excellent" cried the King, "That'll stop any red blooded male sowing his oats with my beautiful virgin daughter".
The next morning King Arthur leaves the castle on his crusade to a land far, far away.
A few months pass and then the victorious King returns to his castle and a hero's welcome from his people. That very day he calls for all his trusted Knights to stand in an inspection parade. He lines them up and orders them to drop there trousers. He walks past each one individually, looks down and inspects to see if they have fallen victim to the device which painfully cut the carrot in two.
He looks at the first knight, looks him in the eye, looks down and too his horror notices half of a penis stump. "Take this man away" he yells, "I trusted you and you have failed me". The guards move in and take the untrusting Knight to the dungeons kicking and screaming. The next Kinght in the queue is waiting nervously, again same result. "take him away". This carries on down the queue until the King reaches the very last knight left for inspection. The King looks him in the eye, looks down and to his delight see's a full 7" of flesh left remaining.
"Hurray" cries the King, "I knew I could trust you". "You may have half my kingdom and my daughters hand in marrage, I knew I could trust you".
"Mank bu berry muff" muffled the knight. "Gerry kund og bu gir".
WilhelmSissener
What do women and public toilets have in common?
All the good ones are busy, and the rest are full of shit.
Jenspm
What is Sweden's most famous invention?
The Inflatable Dart Board!
DonFck
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath.
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
joker3327
A man in a Mask bursts into the sperm bank with a Gun " open the goddam safe" he shouts to the manageress....he then says ..."take out a sample" " drink it"....she gulps it down....... the man takes of his mask...its her boyfriend......he says " See, not the bloody difficult, is it ?"
[RFW]Xenomorph
"One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!"
CameronPoe
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing... they were both stuck-up cunts.
Sarrk
"So, theres a farmer and he goes to talk to his ducks, he goes to the first one, "Whats your name and what have you been doing today?" The duck replies "My name's quack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day"
The farmer nods and moves on to the second duck, he asks the same question, this one says "My name's Jack, and Ive been in and out of puddles all day!"
The farmer goes on his way to the third duck, which replies to the question, "My name's puddles..."
Last edited by sergeriver (2006-11-15 03:59:55)
