Friends, if you ever see this bottle:
I urge you - back away, find the fastest car available, and get the frak out of there.........
Today KaosMum and I went to California Tortilla Factory for lunch (it's a taco/burrito semi-fast-food place that makes very good stuff). We each got two soft tacos, chips & queso sauce. CTF is famous for their "Wall O' Hot Sauce" carrying 100 different sauces for you to use. After getting our order I went to The Wall and grabbed a bottle of my favorite CTF sauce: XXX Pain & Suffering (don't let the name fool you, it's a very nice hot sauce with more flavor than heat - but the dominatrix on the front label is damned hawt!!!!!) I applied the sauce liberally to both soft tacos.
As I was rather hungry I chowed into taco #1 (approaching left to right), chomped up a nice bite and washed it down with a swig of ice cold cola.
This is where Satan appeared on Earth, dove into my mouth and ignited himself into full flame.
As the bolus rocketed tword my waiting gut my lips bust into flame and began to blister. The soft tissue of my mouth was immediatly converted to napalm and ignited. My eyes began to sweat uncontrollably and mucus flowed from my nose in quantities unseen since Vesuvius. Upon entry to my stomach the wad of firery death burst into a ball of ignited thermite, at this point the trail of tears left behind as the Little Boy decended made itself painfully obvioust as my esophogus (what the hell ever) ignited like pospherous.
I grabbed a random napkin and tried to wipe the alien vomit-acid from my mouth . For the next 10 minutes I resisted passing out, vomiting and screaming obscinities. After KaosMom mentioned the stream of sinus goo emitting from my nose I grabbed o-randon-napkin (OK - yes, the same freakign one) and tried to restore some dignity to my upper lip. Sadly, this resulted in Dave's sauce being introduced to my nose. Did you know that snot flows backwards?
Having my mouth closed was painful. However, my sinuses had made the executive decision to close up and disallow ANYTHING to pass, so I had to breath thru my mouth. This introduced air to the equasion re-igniting the napalm. I had now gone thru a full 32oz of cold cola. At about this time my upper GI (mouth, throat, stomach) sent an urgent message sto my lower GI ( small intestine, large intestine, colon & rectum). As a result of this message the small intestine began to quiver uncontrollably while everything else simply began to close up.
After 20 minutes KaosMum was finished with her meal - we made a bee-line to the Cold Stone Creamery for a small cup of chocolate ice cream was used to extinguish the remaining flames. However, I was still dizzy, the events of the mornign were completely erased from memory, and the visit to the men's room ( 3.5 hours later) was NOT fun. My right thumb is sore as sauce made its way under the nail and my stomach is swollen to at least 2x its normal size.
Oh, and why did all of this happen???? A previous patron put a bottle of Dave's in the place of my XXX. Damn him. Damn him to hell.
I urge you - back away, find the fastest car available, and get the frak out of there.........
Today KaosMum and I went to California Tortilla Factory for lunch (it's a taco/burrito semi-fast-food place that makes very good stuff). We each got two soft tacos, chips & queso sauce. CTF is famous for their "Wall O' Hot Sauce" carrying 100 different sauces for you to use. After getting our order I went to The Wall and grabbed a bottle of my favorite CTF sauce: XXX Pain & Suffering (don't let the name fool you, it's a very nice hot sauce with more flavor than heat - but the dominatrix on the front label is damned hawt!!!!!) I applied the sauce liberally to both soft tacos.
As I was rather hungry I chowed into taco #1 (approaching left to right), chomped up a nice bite and washed it down with a swig of ice cold cola.
This is where Satan appeared on Earth, dove into my mouth and ignited himself into full flame.
As the bolus rocketed tword my waiting gut my lips bust into flame and began to blister. The soft tissue of my mouth was immediatly converted to napalm and ignited. My eyes began to sweat uncontrollably and mucus flowed from my nose in quantities unseen since Vesuvius. Upon entry to my stomach the wad of firery death burst into a ball of ignited thermite, at this point the trail of tears left behind as the Little Boy decended made itself painfully obvioust as my esophogus (what the hell ever) ignited like pospherous.
I grabbed a random napkin and tried to wipe the alien vomit-acid from my mouth . For the next 10 minutes I resisted passing out, vomiting and screaming obscinities. After KaosMom mentioned the stream of sinus goo emitting from my nose I grabbed o-randon-napkin (OK - yes, the same freakign one) and tried to restore some dignity to my upper lip. Sadly, this resulted in Dave's sauce being introduced to my nose. Did you know that snot flows backwards?
Having my mouth closed was painful. However, my sinuses had made the executive decision to close up and disallow ANYTHING to pass, so I had to breath thru my mouth. This introduced air to the equasion re-igniting the napalm. I had now gone thru a full 32oz of cold cola. At about this time my upper GI (mouth, throat, stomach) sent an urgent message sto my lower GI ( small intestine, large intestine, colon & rectum). As a result of this message the small intestine began to quiver uncontrollably while everything else simply began to close up.
After 20 minutes KaosMum was finished with her meal - we made a bee-line to the Cold Stone Creamery for a small cup of chocolate ice cream was used to extinguish the remaining flames. However, I was still dizzy, the events of the mornign were completely erased from memory, and the visit to the men's room ( 3.5 hours later) was NOT fun. My right thumb is sore as sauce made its way under the nail and my stomach is swollen to at least 2x its normal size.
Oh, and why did all of this happen???? A previous patron put a bottle of Dave's in the place of my XXX. Damn him. Damn him to hell.
